chasing rainbows

♥

i just am.

not too long ago someone felt it necessary to remind me of how old i am and to tell me that i look, dress, and speak or make choices inappropriately for my age. i understood how this person, or any person, might feel that way. 

many people believe that their position in life or their religious affiliation, what they do or whom they worship, affords them the prerogative to judge, condemn, and to be right in doing so.

the older i get, the less interested i am, if at all, in what you do or have done. the less interested i am, if at all, in whom you worship. what i am interested in, completely, is who you are and how you live out or demonstrate whatever it is you call your faith. judgments don't bother me, they simply let me know who you are.

i admit that i have made mistakes in my life. and i know that everyone else has made some too. i admit that i have also made some stellar choices. and i know that everyone else has made some too.

i am grateful to be in my 40s.

i believe that things are not always right or wrong.
sometimes things just are.

and i am not seeking to be right, nor refusing to be wrong.
i just am.

♥

love and spirit

when your world is stormy

i feel your imbalance

your unintentional recklessness

and your uncertainty

and my own waters

are troubled 

when your heart is full

i feel your light

your conviction

your purpose

and my own world

is at peace

your turmoil streams underneath my skin

your serenity sleeps nestled in my chest

your fears gather at the back of my throat

your resolve rests gently at the nape of my neck 

your fight 

breathes anxiously in my core

your truth

lives transparently in love and spirit

in the love and spirit

which connects

my heart

to yours 

honor your connections

i believe in the kind of connections that are made with the courage of vulnerability.

the baring of naked truths

and exposed souls

with no agenda.

the sharing of what we each hold sacred

yet at the same time long to let go of

so that we can watch someone else hold it the same way,

protecting it,

and honoring it,

all the while seeing directly into us

unfalteringly

and unequivocally ...

why i prioritize genuineness over happiness

i think more important than striving to be happy, is striving to be genuine. 

i think genuineness brings about happiness. 

there is a freedom that holds hands with authenticity,

and once we can live and love, 

genuinely and spiritedly,

i think happiness shows up,

no longer sought after,

just present. 

walk your journey with love and truth.

happiness finds its home in an authentic heart. 

step by faithful step

sometimes people walk onto our path and are suddenly and automatically in step with us.

it is synchronous, and neither one misses a beat as we continue to walk in this unspoken rhythm.

other times they stumble and fall onto our path,

or we onto theirs,

and we help each other up,

dust each other off,

and continue on,

with messy hair and tiny pieces of grass or pebbles stuck into our palms,

only this time when there is less room on the path, it feels expansive and clearer.

and although we are now not walking alone, we feel an encouraging and liberating freedom.

and although we are now both sharing what we carry, and carrying for the other, we feel lighter.

we don't always walk side by side … sometimes they are in front of us, sometimes we ourselves lead, 

sometimes playfully with arms outstretched and one foot in front of the other like we are on a balance beam,

other times in silence and trepidation,

and in trust. 

sometimes our path starts to look different than it did before.

the air can feel different too, and things can sound completely unfamiliar.

we might not even recognize where we are, or even where either of us is going. 

we sometimes cannot tell whether it's our path ... or theirs … 

in our awareness we know we are small yet we are big enough to know that it is not solely our journey.

and when darkness settles in and the stillness wraps around us, we see more than we do in the brightest of light,

we feel more than when we search with open hands,

and we know we are in exactly the right place,

at the right time,

every time.

holy love: our sacred bonds

ho·ly

  [hoh-lee] 

adjective, ho·li·er, ho·li·est.

holy:  having a spiritually pure quality: a holy love.

i've been thinking a lot about faith and the automatic confidence we have in our parents when we are young. how we unquestionably take their hand and trust what they tell us.  i suppose this can be good or bad, depending on the situation. but i was thinking particularly about when i was a child, in first grade, and we lived in a small trailer somewhere in georgia. my dad was stationed at an army post nearby and we lived off a dirt road. my mom drove us every day across the state line to take us to a private catholic school in south carolina.  that was the last private catholic school i went to, because our life soon took a different path.  we didn't have much but i didn't know that. what i did have, was security.

not because of religion.

but because of faith.

i remember the day my mom told us that my dad "got orders" and we were moving to europe. i remember crying, and her asking me with a surprised tone, "why are you crying?"

i said, "i'm scared to go on an airplane."

my mom promised me that it would be okay. she said it would feel much like riding on a bus, only smoother. and that at times i might even forget we were moving through the air.

i took her hand and believed without a doubt. both emotionally and physically.  i believed that the plane ride would be okay, and that we would be okay and intact when we arrived overseas, that i wouldn't find myself all alone in a foreign land, not knowing the language, sitting on cobblestone, surrounded by endless streams of busy strangers unaware of my aloneness, myself unable to ask for help and no one knowing i was even lost. 

i put all my 7 years of faith in this one person. 

looking back, i don't know if she was afraid at the time.  it never occurred to me that she might be nervous or anxious about any of it.  i didn't know enough to question or wonder about that. 

i trusted her with my life, my fears, and my rapidly loudly beating little heart.

i think it is sacred, and an honor, when we have moments of faith like that as adults, with people other than our parents. when we can physically and/or emotionally take someone's hand and with all of our being, and our rapidly loudly beating wounded heart, take a true leap of faith, and step where we have never stepped before.

i believe that when we do experience it, our spirit is trusting another spirit,

and it is less like a human bond

and more of a holy bond.

♥

a few years before my first memorable step of faith