holy love: our sacred bonds

ho·ly

  [hoh-lee] 

adjective, ho·li·er, ho·li·est.

holy:  having a spiritually pure quality: a holy love.

i've been thinking a lot about faith and the automatic confidence we have in our parents when we are young. how we unquestionably take their hand and trust what they tell us.  i suppose this can be good or bad, depending on the situation. but i was thinking particularly about when i was a child, in first grade, and we lived in a small trailer somewhere in georgia. my dad was stationed at an army post nearby and we lived off a dirt road. my mom drove us every day across the state line to take us to a private catholic school in south carolina.  that was the last private catholic school i went to, because our life soon took a different path.  we didn't have much but i didn't know that. what i did have, was security.

not because of religion.

but because of faith.

i remember the day my mom told us that my dad "got orders" and we were moving to europe. i remember crying, and her asking me with a surprised tone, "why are you crying?"

i said, "i'm scared to go on an airplane."

my mom promised me that it would be okay. she said it would feel much like riding on a bus, only smoother. and that at times i might even forget we were moving through the air.

i took her hand and believed without a doubt. both emotionally and physically.  i believed that the plane ride would be okay, and that we would be okay and intact when we arrived overseas, that i wouldn't find myself all alone in a foreign land, not knowing the language, sitting on cobblestone, surrounded by endless streams of busy strangers unaware of my aloneness, myself unable to ask for help and no one knowing i was even lost. 

i put all my 7 years of faith in this one person. 

looking back, i don't know if she was afraid at the time.  it never occurred to me that she might be nervous or anxious about any of it.  i didn't know enough to question or wonder about that. 

i trusted her with my life, my fears, and my rapidly loudly beating little heart.

i think it is sacred, and an honor, when we have moments of faith like that as adults, with people other than our parents. when we can physically and/or emotionally take someone's hand and with all of our being, and our rapidly loudly beating wounded heart, take a true leap of faith, and step where we have never stepped before.

i believe that when we do experience it, our spirit is trusting another spirit,

and it is less like a human bond

and more of a holy bond.

♥

a few years before my first memorable step of faith

i am not my body: i am me

it's always interesting to me, to experience the many different ways that others experience me.

does that make sense?

the way people respond to others is always very telling.  it tells so much about the person doing the responding, and i am fascinated by this from a sociological perspective.

this week i have had the privilege of learning a lot about this exact thing.

by last night i felt very much like i had been beaten down.  partly by people i know, and partly by people i didn't even know existed in this world.  judgment is a very interesting thing.

and you know what?  i felt this even though i stand by the following idea:

i am not my body.  i believe the words of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:  "we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."

anyone who knows me knows that i believe this to the fullest; and that i am often heard saying the words:  "i am not my outsides."

so this week a picture of me, in all my natural born nakedness, was posted on Facebook.  it was certainly not a sexual or pornographic photograph in any way.  it was just a straight forward body shot ... i am proud of it, and saddened by the truth of how some people responded to it.  not saddened for myself, but saddened for what it says about human nature and instinctive response.

here is how some of the thread went:

one comment: omg there is a picture of you naked on fb. thought i should tell you so you can delete it before anyone sees it!
me: why would i want to do that?

another comment: oh no. you must be so embarrassed.
me: why would i be embarrassed? embarrassed of what?

here are my thoughts:
1) i am not my body. i am my insides, i am not my outsides.
2) having said that, i am proud of my body. it has been pregnant multiple times, survived multiple miscarriages, and produced 2 healthy human beings. it kept those 2 human beings alive solely on the milk it created. it has scars, stretch marks, and the effects of aging. and i am proud to have it. it is not perfect and i don't care. i am grateful that in my 40s anyone at all wants to take a picture of it. 
3) nudity does not equal sex. if you think it does, that says a lot about you, not me. in fact, sex does not even require nudity (gasp!) i have seen profile pictures of women and girls who are not old enough to vote, that are more provocative and suggestive than this. my parents and my children were present at this shoot and my dad took pictures of me as well. in all of the modeling i have done i have never shot anything sexual in nature. any photographer i have worked with can attest to that and the fact that i work with integrity and respect.
4) if you are judging me, i am glad this is a picture of my outsides and not your insides.

i haven't always loved my body; i was teased when i was younger, and i have been on the receiving end of many insults regardless of my age, about being too thin, not having meat on my bones, assumptions that i never eat, or whatever anyone thinks is okay to say.  i was told once that nursing was ruining my body.  i have had times, as everyone has, of wishing my body were different.  it has taken me a long time to finally feel good about it and embrace it and be nothing but thankful for the miraculous healthy machine that it is.  whatever it looks like.  it is the only body i have to carry me around in this place, and i am not embarrassed of it.  i am grateful for it and respectful of it.

i was also told this week by more than one person that i should be ashamed.  that i should consider how my children will be affected by such a thing.  that i am inappropriate.  odd.  gross.     (gross? really?  don't we all have bodies?  human bodies?  made basically the same?)  again ... some of these were people i know and some were not; they were merely judging me and stating their opinion.  i know that this says everything about them, and not a thing about me.  if someone says i am inappropriate, that can be what they think, but that doesn't make it true any more than if they said i am a penguin.  their perspective is true for them.  not for me.  i know that the way we see things is according to the way we think and the things we believe and the experiences we have had.  and i also know that just because we think something, that doesn't make it true.  our opinions and beliefs are not necessarily "right" for everyone else.  we are no better for believing what we believe, and no one else is better than we are, for believing what they believe.  it is not our place to insist our beliefs on others, nor is it their place to push theirs on us.

"it's one thing to feel you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path." -Paulo Coelho

just because i am not embarrassed or modest about my outsides, i am not conservative nor shy, that doesn't have to translate into me being ugly on the inside or any of the other things that people threw at me this week.  i know this because i know who i am.  and i know that people will see what they choose to see.

the facebook thread continued and i responded:

i believe there is something for me to learn from every person, even when they are in disagreement with me or judgmental. i respect their right to their own opinion and i am grateful that they feel they can express it to me. but even though i am a peacekeeper, i have learned that i do not need to withhold my own thoughts in order to keep peace. i know that when others have opinions that they believe are "right" ... that doesn't mean i am wrong if i think differently. and likewise, they are not "wrong" if they don't believe as i do. i have learned to live with the judgments of others for whatever it is that they believe. i choose to stand as me, be the soul of where i stand, and believe in myself, you, others, love, and peace. i don't judge those who judge me. i go to sleep at night knowing who i am.

so to anyone judging me in those ways, i only say i am sorry that you struggle with that which is different than yourself.  a lack of openness towards the differences in all of us only leads to a lack of growth and a smaller experience of this wonderful life.  you can wish that i were different ... because perhaps that would make you more comfortable in your own skin, but i am not going to change who i am due to your issues or your particular sensitivities.  i am not going to become what you want me to become.  it is not my responsibility to mold myself into what makes you feel good.  i am not here to satisfy you.  you do not have to like me or like to look at me, but you have every right to your opinion and every right to look or go the other way and get back to your own life.

if you are offended by my body, that's okay with me. you don't have to look at it. isn't that awesome??

the unconditional condition

is it necessary to label ourselves with a belief system, and in doing so immediately create boundaries that we - and others - are unwilling or unable to cross?  do you know anyone who does this, and consequently, considers anyone outside of this belief system to be "wrong?"  i do.  and i am not saying that i believe they are wrong for believing this way.  i believe they are living in the ways that feel right to them.  and i seek to understand their perspective and to feel from where they feel.  what i AM saying, is that this fascinates me.

recently i found myself in two separate experiences, each mirroring the other, yet each person unaware and on the outside totally and fundamentally opposing the other:

one person who is completely and proudly atheist, absolutely and without any reservation, was explaining to me the scope of parental love.  this person said, "there aren't many things that i know for sure in this world, beyond the shadow of any doubt.  because there can always be questions about anything.  but the one thing i do know, no matter what, with all my heart, is that no matter what happens, i will always love my children.  it doesn't matter what they do, say, feel, or think."   i asked, "even vote?" and believe it or not the answer was:  "even vote."  "... even if they ended up in jail for doing something horrible.  i would want to understand.  i might disagree … and i would still love them.  they are my children, and that is forever, and that love can never ever be broken.  that love always, always comes first."

not long after that, i was discussing God and judgment with a person who is completely and proudly christian.  and this person said, "i believe that God loves us without judgment, and loves us the way i love my children.  my children are going to do things that i do not agree with.  things i might not want them to do, might hope they don't do, might be mad at them for doing.  we are not always going to agree.  i might think, what the hell are they thinking??  but none of those things are going to make me love them any less, or stop loving them.  they are going to do what they think they should do and i have to let them.  i have to trust them.  they are going to mess up; we all do.  but my love for them does not diminish.  i believe that is how god loves us."

these people will probably never meet, nor would they be likely to carry on such a conversation with each other if they ever did meet.  but what is interesting to me, and what touches my heart, is what is so obvious.  these people could not be farther apart, more opposite in their belief systems.  neither one would consider the other to be "right."  and it's not about right.  or wrong.  things are not always right or wrong, sometimes they just are.  and how important is it if one of them believes in God, or the Universe, or a Supreme Being, or Love, etc? …  at the core of each one, all of these are the same … the very inner spirit, the love, is the same.  the root, is love.  the common bond, is love.  the most important thing, the truest connection, is love.  this is the universal language and it was my honor to find myself as like a midpoint between these two energies.  as if i could look to the left and see one; look to the right and see the other ... and know that i am surrounded by love.  i believe we can all connect to others in this simple and natural way.  all it takes is one person at a time.  once you connect with one other person not at face value, but as a human being, at this core level of one heart to another, there is no judgment there.  there is no room for it.  and this becomes more natural and more instinctual.  this is what so many people are missing in their own lives.  this is what so many people are missing about everyone else around them.  they are so busy forgetting to look at the hearts of others; instead … they are looking only … at what they see…

and this is simply, not,  the best that we can do.