sticks and stones

while i do believe that another person's opinion of you does not define you, and just because someone says something to you or about you, that doesn't make it true ...  i also believe that even though sticks and stones may break bones, words can in fact hurt sometimes...

i believe it is only right that we should be mindful of our words, our tone, and the energy that we bring into any space. 

it is our responsibility to recognize who we are, and think about who it is that we want to be.  to acknowledge that the way we affect others not only affects the relationship they have with us, it can also affect them as a person. 

this is true for any dynamic, whether it is a partner, a child, a parent, relative, friend, or stranger. 

our awareness can make the difference. 

a broken spirit takes much longer to heal than a broken bone. 

handle with care

ian has always named everything he has an affinity for … stuffed animals, wild animals in the yard, plants, bugs, body parts … he has a special bond with our friend callie, who is a grown up, and who does the same naming thing.  when they share their "oh yeah i have a such-and-such named so-and-so" it always makes us giggle, and makes them either high five or exchange a silent "i get you" look that makes my heart overflow.

today i was thinking about how special this is ... and how important.

thinking of everything as a "someONE" and not a "someTHING" creates a relational perspective in which we treat these "someones" as if they are equal to us … all living beings.  granted, a stuffed animal isn't living, and we know that, but assigning a stuffed animal a name, and treating that animal as if it were a live being, complete with feelings, needs, thoughts, and desires, isn't a wasted energy.  in fact, it is the opposite. it allows us yet another opportunity to express love, concern, compassion, and peace.  kind of like practice.  or also like the more we give, the more we have.  like a muscle, the more we use it, the stronger it becomes.  what could be better than strengthening our love muscle, our compassion muscle.  if it makes us remember to be kinder, if it give us more chances to extend grace and concern, then i say we name everything! 

"Kindness is twice blessed.  It blesses the one who gives it with a sense of his or her own capacity to love, and the person who receives it with a sense of the beneficence of the universe." -Dawna Markova

in my home i have always led my children to help bugs back out to their natural habitat, not to squish them.  my kids have grown up thinking and saying "but what about his family?" when faced with a bug squashing moment.  i never named the bugs, but i wanted them to think before acting, and to consider that just because we are bigger than they are, that doesn't give us the right to determine if they live or die or hurt or become maimed.  just because i don't like them perhaps in the house, that doesn't mean i should take their life into my own hands.  anyway, they were there long before we came along and disrupted their habitat and built a house where they first lived!

in addition to our five pets, ian has  a stuffed pepper named jose, a polar bear named noodles, a bear named puz, a plant named melvin, a wild rabbit that lives in our yard named kevin, one eye named tim, one eye named tom, one nostril named jim, one nostril named joe, one ear named bob, one ear named alfonso.  at one time or another he has also named his shoes, pens, notebooks, blankets, birds outside, cars, crayons, and probably at least half a dozen other things.  i sometimes get the names wrong, but he never does.

some people judge stuffed animal friendships as somewhat unhealthy or relegated to a particular time span of a child's life.  but i would like to point out that such lovingness and concern, from a child for his furry stuffed companion, are more of what this world needs.  why would we want to put a limit or regulation/stipulation on any act of loving?  why limit ourselves in the number of opportunities to love or care … 

“It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love” - John Lennon

i am inspired today, to breathe life and love into all creatures, both animate and inanimate ...

to look at ian in a way i haven't looked at him before, even though i would have thought that i have looked at him in every way possible by now.

i admire his heart.  so big in his tiny little body.  so full in his young little life.  so awesome in terms of awe inspiring or awe invoking.

i would like to put a sign on every person.  a sign on every creature:

mothering earth

♥

women.

we give birth to life.

we nurture life.

we love life.

there is no greater honor

responsibility

or gift.

click here to visit the fabulous Marianne Williamson

be the change ...

love is my religion

♥

be kind

"treat others well,

even those who are rude to you.

not because they are kind,

but because you are kind."

i say no to tolerance. i say yes to embracement.

i have never talked a whole lot about homosexuality and/or gay marriage in my house, not because i am against it, but because i do not see it as an issue.  people are people.  i would rather see a same sex couple who treats each other with respect and love, than a heterosexual couple who does not.  when i was growing up my mother said to me, "race and color make no difference.  i would rather see you marry a black man, an asian man, a mexican, a mixed-race or purple polka dotted man, if he loves you, respects you, and treats you the way you deserve to be treated,  than a white man who abuses you in any way, either physically, mentally, or emotionally.  love is love.  and it is not limited to skin or culture."  soon after that she also added that if any of her children announced that they were gay, she would be happy as long as their partner loved them, respected them, and treated them the way they deserved to be treated.

my children have grown up with this mindset ...  i have always had friends who were part of the homosexual community ... gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, whatever.  i have had them and their partners as part of my family.  a "gay wedding" is no different than a "not gay wedding" to me nor to my children, and i am happy for them to see two people who love each other getting married.  we welcome them into our home just as we would anyone else and we love them.  why wouldn't we?   my children look at them the same way they look at any couple.  we are, in fact, all part of the same community.

i do realize that not everybody agrees with this (i have friends and family who don't, and that's okay with me,) and there are people who would rather hang out with a man and woman who mistreat each other than two women who don't or two men who don't.  i am not trying to change anyone's mind.

i have always told my children that they do not have to believe what i believe. they are encouraged to learn as much as possible and to make their own decisions.  if they want to explore any belief system, any religion, go to any church or place of worship to see what they think or feel about it, i will absolutely take them and learn with them.  i do not have to agree with them to support them with my whole heart.  but in the end, i might.  who knows?  the point is to be open.  i say no to tolerance.  i do not teach them to tolerate differences, i teach them to celebrate differences.  to embrace them, to learn from them,  to allow them to enrich our relationships and make us better human beings.

so ... today on the drive home from school, my teenager reviewed a little of the big ongoing post-election conversation that went on there today.  one point in particular that one of his classmates made, was that homosexuality is unnatural.  i asked my son how he felt about that and if he had a response.  i am proud to hear that he replied to this person:  "no, no it's not.  how can love be unnatural?  it's love.  period."  his classmate said, "you're just letting your religious beliefs get in the way of your judgment."  to which my son replied, "no actually, i don't care about religion at all, religion has nothing to do with whether or not you love someone.  if someone loves someone, why shouldn't they be allowed to?"  his classmate: "it's unnatural; humans are the only species where homosexuality exists."  my son:  "dude that is so not true.  and anyway, everyone has someone in their family somewhere along the line, who is homosexual, whether they know it or not." his classmate:  "no way, not me, i definitely don't."  my son:  "okay dude.  that's what you think, and it's ok that i think differently.  and to me, being kind is more important.  if you wanna be against something, how about being against ... communism. or mean people." 

honoring our connections

♥

sometimes there are people who come into our life and we don't know how it was that we ever did not know them.

sometimes there are people who we connect with, even before we really speak.

sometimes there are people who we cannot disconnect from, even after we part.

there are those who touch our heart,

challenge our mind,

feed our soul.

i believe it is important to honor our connections.  no matter how big or small they might seem today.  no matter how much bigger or smaller they might become on any other day.

i believe it is important to see inside them and really treasure who lives in there. 

the gift of their presence might seem effortless,

but it is their greatest truth,

their spirit,

their journey,

and deserves to be handled with care.

so be thankful.

be thankful.

and be

thankful.

i am not my body: i am me

it's always interesting to me, to experience the many different ways that others experience me.

does that make sense?

the way people respond to others is always very telling.  it tells so much about the person doing the responding, and i am fascinated by this from a sociological perspective.

this week i have had the privilege of learning a lot about this exact thing.

by last night i felt very much like i had been beaten down.  partly by people i know, and partly by people i didn't even know existed in this world.  judgment is a very interesting thing.

and you know what?  i felt this even though i stand by the following idea:

i am not my body.  i believe the words of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:  "we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."

anyone who knows me knows that i believe this to the fullest; and that i am often heard saying the words:  "i am not my outsides."

so this week a picture of me, in all my natural born nakedness, was posted on Facebook.  it was certainly not a sexual or pornographic photograph in any way.  it was just a straight forward body shot ... i am proud of it, and saddened by the truth of how some people responded to it.  not saddened for myself, but saddened for what it says about human nature and instinctive response.

here is how some of the thread went:

one comment: omg there is a picture of you naked on fb. thought i should tell you so you can delete it before anyone sees it!
me: why would i want to do that?

another comment: oh no. you must be so embarrassed.
me: why would i be embarrassed? embarrassed of what?

here are my thoughts:
1) i am not my body. i am my insides, i am not my outsides.
2) having said that, i am proud of my body. it has been pregnant multiple times, survived multiple miscarriages, and produced 2 healthy human beings. it kept those 2 human beings alive solely on the milk it created. it has scars, stretch marks, and the effects of aging. and i am proud to have it. it is not perfect and i don't care. i am grateful that in my 40s anyone at all wants to take a picture of it. 
3) nudity does not equal sex. if you think it does, that says a lot about you, not me. in fact, sex does not even require nudity (gasp!) i have seen profile pictures of women and girls who are not old enough to vote, that are more provocative and suggestive than this. my parents and my children were present at this shoot and my dad took pictures of me as well. in all of the modeling i have done i have never shot anything sexual in nature. any photographer i have worked with can attest to that and the fact that i work with integrity and respect.
4) if you are judging me, i am glad this is a picture of my outsides and not your insides.

i haven't always loved my body; i was teased when i was younger, and i have been on the receiving end of many insults regardless of my age, about being too thin, not having meat on my bones, assumptions that i never eat, or whatever anyone thinks is okay to say.  i was told once that nursing was ruining my body.  i have had times, as everyone has, of wishing my body were different.  it has taken me a long time to finally feel good about it and embrace it and be nothing but thankful for the miraculous healthy machine that it is.  whatever it looks like.  it is the only body i have to carry me around in this place, and i am not embarrassed of it.  i am grateful for it and respectful of it.

i was also told this week by more than one person that i should be ashamed.  that i should consider how my children will be affected by such a thing.  that i am inappropriate.  odd.  gross.     (gross? really?  don't we all have bodies?  human bodies?  made basically the same?)  again ... some of these were people i know and some were not; they were merely judging me and stating their opinion.  i know that this says everything about them, and not a thing about me.  if someone says i am inappropriate, that can be what they think, but that doesn't make it true any more than if they said i am a penguin.  their perspective is true for them.  not for me.  i know that the way we see things is according to the way we think and the things we believe and the experiences we have had.  and i also know that just because we think something, that doesn't make it true.  our opinions and beliefs are not necessarily "right" for everyone else.  we are no better for believing what we believe, and no one else is better than we are, for believing what they believe.  it is not our place to insist our beliefs on others, nor is it their place to push theirs on us.

"it's one thing to feel you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path." -Paulo Coelho

just because i am not embarrassed or modest about my outsides, i am not conservative nor shy, that doesn't have to translate into me being ugly on the inside or any of the other things that people threw at me this week.  i know this because i know who i am.  and i know that people will see what they choose to see.

the facebook thread continued and i responded:

i believe there is something for me to learn from every person, even when they are in disagreement with me or judgmental. i respect their right to their own opinion and i am grateful that they feel they can express it to me. but even though i am a peacekeeper, i have learned that i do not need to withhold my own thoughts in order to keep peace. i know that when others have opinions that they believe are "right" ... that doesn't mean i am wrong if i think differently. and likewise, they are not "wrong" if they don't believe as i do. i have learned to live with the judgments of others for whatever it is that they believe. i choose to stand as me, be the soul of where i stand, and believe in myself, you, others, love, and peace. i don't judge those who judge me. i go to sleep at night knowing who i am.

so to anyone judging me in those ways, i only say i am sorry that you struggle with that which is different than yourself.  a lack of openness towards the differences in all of us only leads to a lack of growth and a smaller experience of this wonderful life.  you can wish that i were different ... because perhaps that would make you more comfortable in your own skin, but i am not going to change who i am due to your issues or your particular sensitivities.  i am not going to become what you want me to become.  it is not my responsibility to mold myself into what makes you feel good.  i am not here to satisfy you.  you do not have to like me or like to look at me, but you have every right to your opinion and every right to look or go the other way and get back to your own life.

if you are offended by my body, that's okay with me. you don't have to look at it. isn't that awesome??

peace on my skin

this necklace carries very special meaning and is extremely important to me.  it was made by my lifelong friend, richie pavlak. 

this necklace kind of earmarks the beginning of our friendship.  it was the first of many pieces that richie made for me.  and it was a total surprise, as he would later tell me our friendship was to him. 

when i first met richie, he was getting coffee at starbucks.  i was leaving and had one hand on the door when i saw him through the corner of my eye.  he was trying to get his wheelchair close enough to the counter and get his coffee without any trouble.  i did the worst thing.  i immediately let go of the door and walked over to help him.  the reason this was the worst thing, is because i would soon learn that that is exactly what richie would not have wanted anyone to do.  he "could get his own damn coffee by himself, dammit!"

the next time i saw him, again at starbucks, i noticed he was wearing a ring that was identical to one of mine.  it was silver and turquoise, made on a reservation.  i mentioned it to him (how serendipitous!?) and we soon discovered our mutual love for jewelry.  two weeks later at what was now our new favorite meeting place, he asked me to come speak with him before i left.  when i did, he presented me with this necklace.  i was so moved, i did what i always do at the feet of genuine kindness:  i cried.  i told him i had nothing to pay him with and that i had already spent my money on coffee ... we both laughed but he said, "i don't want any money for it. i made it for you. if you will wear it, that will make me very happy.  that will be worth more than any payment."

another thing i did not know at this point was that making jewelry was part of richie's therapy to regain the use of his hands.  he had been severely injured in a skiing accident and was too strong of a spirit to listen to the doctors when they told him there were things he would never be able to do again.  he went on to make more pieces than I could have ever imagined.  years later we joined him at events where he set up tables of displays, full of his work to sell, and my children were thrilled to help him. 

he joined us for lunch and live music in the park in our historical downtown district. 

we went restaurant hopping, sometimes just the two of us, and sometimes with my children in tow. 

richie lived in a nursing home when we met, and along the course of our friendship he was able to move out on his own into an apartment.  he was sooo very proud of this.  at christmas we made dough ornaments and brought him a christmas tree filed with homemade love.  it was a wonderful experience for us, and we have been forever touched by the way richie allowed us into his life, into his world. 

i have many pieces from him and i treasure them all, but this one is different.  this one was the beginning.  

richie's passing was unexpected and shocking to me ... and this necklace brings him back to me.  back to the beginning.  the kindness in his eyes.  the excitement in his face when he saw this on my neck.  

it is the sound of his voice.

it is the work of his hands. 

it is his spirit.

it is his heart.  

it is peace.  on my skin. 

my hand on your heart

my hand on your heart.

your hand on mine.

my shield all around you

which only love,

kindness,

and help can get through.

breathe peace in our space.

walk freely.

as i walk with you.

we use the power of our words

only in the direction of truth and love.
we believe in others.
we believe in us.

like water,

soft to touch yet strong enough to move the earth,

i move through you

and fill you

like water finds and fills every crevice surrounding every rock

in the river.

our faith in each other

protects us and guides us.

we step surely.

we love purely.

my hand on your heart.

your hand

on mine.

choosing happiness

i will not allow my mistakes to define me.  what i will allow them to do, is teach me.

i will not be imprisoned by any past decision.  what i will be, is free to decide differently once more.

i have a hard enough time carrying in my groceries from the car ... i do not have enough room to juggle errors of my own or judgments of others.  much like the groceries, if goodness and healthy things are brought in, then goodness and healthy things will ... sit in the pantry untouched and uneaten by my children...  LOL

ok, but when we breathe in positivity, we breathe out happiness.

when we choose to carry around heaviness and negativity, we end up with bruised and broken wrists.  we are then unable to carry the lightest things of all:  love.  acceptance.  celebration.  gratitude ...

it is always a choice.  and i am too much of a rebel to let anyone else make that choice for me, dammit.

THE ROCK

this is the story of how this blog was born.  

someone who i am very close to, and who i feel connected to, recently traveled to another continent. while gone, i asked him to bring me back a piece of that place. not a souvenir, not something made someplace else and imported in for sales to tourists ... but something like a rock. or a spoonful of dirt ... a piece of bark. something native to the land, something "of" this place that he loves to go to, this place that co-mingled with his energy while he was there, where he breathed the air, listened to the sounds, felt the rain and the sun and the breeze, where his feet walked its earth, where he ate the food, where he loved the people ...

i think it might have been against his typical souvenir buying, but he did it.  when he picked it up it was half immersed in water in a lake or pond or something (i can't remember,) and he immediately sent me a message saying he had found the perfect stone to bring to me.  when i finally held it, i treasured it immediately and planned to put it on my nightstand. partly because i am overly symbolic and sentimental. partly for a reminder that no matter what different lands we walk on, we are all connected. we remain connected through distance and time.

that was already treasure enough for me.
then the words came, and this is how.

this person is a very faith based person and he played a song for me which he said was his current favorite. he seemed to have a little trepidation, mentioning that it was a christian song ... i could tell that he wanted me to hear it and know the words, but he didn't want the religious aspect to affect my perception. it wouldn't have of course ... but he didn't know that.  i could also tell that he was really trying to share something that meant a lot to him ... he played the video and asked me to read the lyrics as it played. when it got to the chorus i felt tears in my throat before they even made it out of my eyes.  i can't even say how or why. i heard and saw the words "my heart looks like your heart" and i looked at him and tears were sliding down his cheeks. he turned away and shortly after that, he turned the song off. it was so much ... and i could feel the immense scope of it in the very small space between us. he said that part gets to him in a way that he can't even take it. we both cried and i hugged him. he held me so tight. he said, "not only is that how i feel about reaching my authentic self, that's how i feel when i want you to know that my heart is true towards you, just as yours is true towards me. i need you to know that." 

i cried. again. later that night as i took the rock out of my purse to put on my nightstand, i held it, and that chorus played instantly in my head. i thought of where the rock came from. how it traveled to me.  how we are all connected. how connections exist and remain over time/space/distance. how it was half immersed in the water of that particular land. how the rock, the water, the land all encircled each other and lived peacefully as they should, totally encompassing each other ... like people immersed in others, and how i treasure that immersion like fuel to my fire.

how my heart looks like your heart. 

my cheeks were hot from tears just covering my face.  something as simple as a rock. unnoticed by most. something as simple as a song. one which wouldn't typically resonate with me.  something as simple as a moment shared between the hearts of two people.

this rock, and these words, brought together, have made such an impact on my heart. now i do keep it on my nightstand but i also bring it in my car, and i sometimes put it in my purse or even in my pocket ... i want to keep it with me everywhere i go; i like to look at it, hold it, think about it ... it has become more powerful to me than i ever would have imagined. what it represents to me is so much bigger than its physical dimensions or properties.  holding it is like connecting to this person.  to mother earth. to the planet. to the universe. to the human race. to love and light. 

all of these things pertain to people. i don't know if i have done justice to it, in explaining how symbolic this is, and for all the reasons why and how.  but all of our hearts do look the same. that in itself is its very own reason. it is the perfect antidote to hate and prejudice. a perfect reminder of our connections to each other, regardless of age, time, space, land, culture, religion, etc. 

there is so much symbolism for me in this simple rock ... the significance of this little piece of the planet ... once so far away, unbeknownst to me, and now right here in my hand, forever in my heart, and timelessly in my soul.