to be continued ...

so today while i was driving, i was thinking, and having conversations in my head, you know, much like the way our thought process goes when we're in the shower.  that's not just me, right?

so i was driving after having spent some time with a friend.  not just any friend, but a friend of my heart.  a connection i cannot imagine not having. 

i was wondering why this is.  and i was thinking about whether or not it really is what it seems to be.  like, how is this such an important thing, how is it that this person's presence actually affects me in this unique way?  there was, after all, a time when this connection did not yet exist.

how is it that being around this person feels like a celebration … of who we are ... of who each of us is.  a treasured collection of moments of being who we are, and excelling at it.  and it feels like we are never finished being together, we are always "to be continued …"

i was wondering, is it me?  am i assigning more value to this because of my  extremely tender heart?  am i making this mean more than it is, in my mind?  you know how we all know we have had moments where we question ourselves because we can all overthink things sometimes.  especially when we're driving.  alone.  that's not just me, right?

and so i tried to compare this friendship to others … and i couldn't.  

i tried to explain it to myself … and i couldn't.  

i tried to define it … and i couldn't.

but what i did succeed in doing, was realizing this ultimate truth:  the quality of my life is better with this person in it.

it's really that simple.  it's really that true.  and that was all i needed to know in the end.  

i smiled the rest of the way home ...

peace on my skin

this necklace carries very special meaning and is extremely important to me.  it was made by my lifelong friend, richie pavlak. 

this necklace kind of earmarks the beginning of our friendship.  it was the first of many pieces that richie made for me.  and it was a total surprise, as he would later tell me our friendship was to him. 

when i first met richie, he was getting coffee at starbucks.  i was leaving and had one hand on the door when i saw him through the corner of my eye.  he was trying to get his wheelchair close enough to the counter and get his coffee without any trouble.  i did the worst thing.  i immediately let go of the door and walked over to help him.  the reason this was the worst thing, is because i would soon learn that that is exactly what richie would not have wanted anyone to do.  he "could get his own damn coffee by himself, dammit!"

the next time i saw him, again at starbucks, i noticed he was wearing a ring that was identical to one of mine.  it was silver and turquoise, made on a reservation.  i mentioned it to him (how serendipitous!?) and we soon discovered our mutual love for jewelry.  two weeks later at what was now our new favorite meeting place, he asked me to come speak with him before i left.  when i did, he presented me with this necklace.  i was so moved, i did what i always do at the feet of genuine kindness:  i cried.  i told him i had nothing to pay him with and that i had already spent my money on coffee ... we both laughed but he said, "i don't want any money for it. i made it for you. if you will wear it, that will make me very happy.  that will be worth more than any payment."

another thing i did not know at this point was that making jewelry was part of richie's therapy to regain the use of his hands.  he had been severely injured in a skiing accident and was too strong of a spirit to listen to the doctors when they told him there were things he would never be able to do again.  he went on to make more pieces than I could have ever imagined.  years later we joined him at events where he set up tables of displays, full of his work to sell, and my children were thrilled to help him. 

he joined us for lunch and live music in the park in our historical downtown district. 

we went restaurant hopping, sometimes just the two of us, and sometimes with my children in tow. 

richie lived in a nursing home when we met, and along the course of our friendship he was able to move out on his own into an apartment.  he was sooo very proud of this.  at christmas we made dough ornaments and brought him a christmas tree filed with homemade love.  it was a wonderful experience for us, and we have been forever touched by the way richie allowed us into his life, into his world. 

i have many pieces from him and i treasure them all, but this one is different.  this one was the beginning.  

richie's passing was unexpected and shocking to me ... and this necklace brings him back to me.  back to the beginning.  the kindness in his eyes.  the excitement in his face when he saw this on my neck.  

it is the sound of his voice.

it is the work of his hands. 

it is his spirit.

it is his heart.  

it is peace.  on my skin. 

the unconditional condition

is it necessary to label ourselves with a belief system, and in doing so immediately create boundaries that we - and others - are unwilling or unable to cross?  do you know anyone who does this, and consequently, considers anyone outside of this belief system to be "wrong?"  i do.  and i am not saying that i believe they are wrong for believing this way.  i believe they are living in the ways that feel right to them.  and i seek to understand their perspective and to feel from where they feel.  what i AM saying, is that this fascinates me.

recently i found myself in two separate experiences, each mirroring the other, yet each person unaware and on the outside totally and fundamentally opposing the other:

one person who is completely and proudly atheist, absolutely and without any reservation, was explaining to me the scope of parental love.  this person said, "there aren't many things that i know for sure in this world, beyond the shadow of any doubt.  because there can always be questions about anything.  but the one thing i do know, no matter what, with all my heart, is that no matter what happens, i will always love my children.  it doesn't matter what they do, say, feel, or think."   i asked, "even vote?" and believe it or not the answer was:  "even vote."  "... even if they ended up in jail for doing something horrible.  i would want to understand.  i might disagree … and i would still love them.  they are my children, and that is forever, and that love can never ever be broken.  that love always, always comes first."

not long after that, i was discussing God and judgment with a person who is completely and proudly christian.  and this person said, "i believe that God loves us without judgment, and loves us the way i love my children.  my children are going to do things that i do not agree with.  things i might not want them to do, might hope they don't do, might be mad at them for doing.  we are not always going to agree.  i might think, what the hell are they thinking??  but none of those things are going to make me love them any less, or stop loving them.  they are going to do what they think they should do and i have to let them.  i have to trust them.  they are going to mess up; we all do.  but my love for them does not diminish.  i believe that is how god loves us."

these people will probably never meet, nor would they be likely to carry on such a conversation with each other if they ever did meet.  but what is interesting to me, and what touches my heart, is what is so obvious.  these people could not be farther apart, more opposite in their belief systems.  neither one would consider the other to be "right."  and it's not about right.  or wrong.  things are not always right or wrong, sometimes they just are.  and how important is it if one of them believes in God, or the Universe, or a Supreme Being, or Love, etc? …  at the core of each one, all of these are the same … the very inner spirit, the love, is the same.  the root, is love.  the common bond, is love.  the most important thing, the truest connection, is love.  this is the universal language and it was my honor to find myself as like a midpoint between these two energies.  as if i could look to the left and see one; look to the right and see the other ... and know that i am surrounded by love.  i believe we can all connect to others in this simple and natural way.  all it takes is one person at a time.  once you connect with one other person not at face value, but as a human being, at this core level of one heart to another, there is no judgment there.  there is no room for it.  and this becomes more natural and more instinctual.  this is what so many people are missing in their own lives.  this is what so many people are missing about everyone else around them.  they are so busy forgetting to look at the hearts of others; instead … they are looking only … at what they see…

and this is simply, not,  the best that we can do.

THE ROCK

this is the story of how this blog was born.  

someone who i am very close to, and who i feel connected to, recently traveled to another continent. while gone, i asked him to bring me back a piece of that place. not a souvenir, not something made someplace else and imported in for sales to tourists ... but something like a rock. or a spoonful of dirt ... a piece of bark. something native to the land, something "of" this place that he loves to go to, this place that co-mingled with his energy while he was there, where he breathed the air, listened to the sounds, felt the rain and the sun and the breeze, where his feet walked its earth, where he ate the food, where he loved the people ...

i think it might have been against his typical souvenir buying, but he did it.  when he picked it up it was half immersed in water in a lake or pond or something (i can't remember,) and he immediately sent me a message saying he had found the perfect stone to bring to me.  when i finally held it, i treasured it immediately and planned to put it on my nightstand. partly because i am overly symbolic and sentimental. partly for a reminder that no matter what different lands we walk on, we are all connected. we remain connected through distance and time.

that was already treasure enough for me.
then the words came, and this is how.

this person is a very faith based person and he played a song for me which he said was his current favorite. he seemed to have a little trepidation, mentioning that it was a christian song ... i could tell that he wanted me to hear it and know the words, but he didn't want the religious aspect to affect my perception. it wouldn't have of course ... but he didn't know that.  i could also tell that he was really trying to share something that meant a lot to him ... he played the video and asked me to read the lyrics as it played. when it got to the chorus i felt tears in my throat before they even made it out of my eyes.  i can't even say how or why. i heard and saw the words "my heart looks like your heart" and i looked at him and tears were sliding down his cheeks. he turned away and shortly after that, he turned the song off. it was so much ... and i could feel the immense scope of it in the very small space between us. he said that part gets to him in a way that he can't even take it. we both cried and i hugged him. he held me so tight. he said, "not only is that how i feel about reaching my authentic self, that's how i feel when i want you to know that my heart is true towards you, just as yours is true towards me. i need you to know that." 

i cried. again. later that night as i took the rock out of my purse to put on my nightstand, i held it, and that chorus played instantly in my head. i thought of where the rock came from. how it traveled to me.  how we are all connected. how connections exist and remain over time/space/distance. how it was half immersed in the water of that particular land. how the rock, the water, the land all encircled each other and lived peacefully as they should, totally encompassing each other ... like people immersed in others, and how i treasure that immersion like fuel to my fire.

how my heart looks like your heart. 

my cheeks were hot from tears just covering my face.  something as simple as a rock. unnoticed by most. something as simple as a song. one which wouldn't typically resonate with me.  something as simple as a moment shared between the hearts of two people.

this rock, and these words, brought together, have made such an impact on my heart. now i do keep it on my nightstand but i also bring it in my car, and i sometimes put it in my purse or even in my pocket ... i want to keep it with me everywhere i go; i like to look at it, hold it, think about it ... it has become more powerful to me than i ever would have imagined. what it represents to me is so much bigger than its physical dimensions or properties.  holding it is like connecting to this person.  to mother earth. to the planet. to the universe. to the human race. to love and light. 

all of these things pertain to people. i don't know if i have done justice to it, in explaining how symbolic this is, and for all the reasons why and how.  but all of our hearts do look the same. that in itself is its very own reason. it is the perfect antidote to hate and prejudice. a perfect reminder of our connections to each other, regardless of age, time, space, land, culture, religion, etc. 

there is so much symbolism for me in this simple rock ... the significance of this little piece of the planet ... once so far away, unbeknownst to me, and now right here in my hand, forever in my heart, and timelessly in my soul.