words to awaken your heart ... and nourish your soul

while recently hanging out on the the website for Women For One, i discovered this awesome little book.  it is written by Jeff Brown, and it is called Ascending With Both Feet on the Ground.

every time i open it, i want to share at least some of the words, if not all.

it's a small book, with short passages on each page, but i cannot bring myself to read the whole thing from front to back because i don't want it to be over.

so i force myself to only read a few pages at a time.  putting it down.  picking it back up again.  putting it down.  picking it up.

luckily it is the kind of food for your soul, the kind that even if you re-read a page, it's either just as awesome as the first time you read it, or you might even read it or understand it in a different way, depending on what is going on that day, or possibly what you may have experienced or learned since the last time you read it.

this desire i have to share this book is too overwhelming to contain, so i have decided to share a little something from its glorious pages, every day, here on my blog.  

here is the start, and i will post a new one each day to the side bar on the right -->

in the future, feel free to click on the daily quote for more bites.  i promise they will be just as good as when they were posted.   -------->

please join me each day for a new little morsel ... some snack size awesomeness for your soul.

share the awesomeness and join jeff's movement "love it forward" ♥

there are little footprints similar to these, throughout the book. i thought it was fitting that i use this photo of my son's feet, which was taken one summer day after he had finished jumping and playing in a rain puddle ♥

sticks and stones

while i do believe that another person's opinion of you does not define you, and just because someone says something to you or about you, that doesn't make it true ...  i also believe that even though sticks and stones may break bones, words can in fact hurt sometimes...

i believe it is only right that we should be mindful of our words, our tone, and the energy that we bring into any space. 

it is our responsibility to recognize who we are, and think about who it is that we want to be.  to acknowledge that the way we affect others not only affects the relationship they have with us, it can also affect them as a person. 

this is true for any dynamic, whether it is a partner, a child, a parent, relative, friend, or stranger. 

our awareness can make the difference. 

a broken spirit takes much longer to heal than a broken bone. 

the right person

♥

♥

pennies for fountains

♥

there was once a time when i didn't know if i would ever be a mother. i woke up every day not knowing.  i spent every day wondering.  i went to sleep at night not knowing.

something many people take for granted:   having a baby.  women and girls do it all the time, sometimes not wanting to, sometimes without a second thought, sometimes as if it is their right and not a privilege. 

like many others, i spent years in quiet desperation, hoping i would one day be a mom, wondering why it wasn't happening for me ... yet seemed to be happening for everyone around me.  getting to know the joy of pregnancy only to then meet the agony of my baby not surviving.  more than once, reliving this tragedy to my heart and to my body.  to my spirit.

i prayed. i wished on stars. pennies in fountains. dandelions. birthday candles.  wishbones.  ladybugs.  other people's babies. any possible way to get my heart's desire out there. 

and then i gave up.

it was a time that made me question a lot of things. it was a time that made me re-evaluate love and life and faith and destiny. 

it was a time that made me the mother i am today.

i have never taken one day of motherhood for granted.  grateful for the honor of loving and guiding my two children and grateful for the children i am allowed to love as my own but who i did not give birth to, today i especially celebrate my baby, ian david, who i proudly named after his uncle, and who i proudly adore to the ends of the earth. 

ian has always wished on stars  

and asked for pennies for fountains.

i always have pennies for him. i always stop what we're doing and give him time with the stars, no matter where we are, how late it is, how tired i am, if it's raining, etc.  i always stand and smile both inside and out, in silence and respect, and admire him as he gets his heart's desire out there. 

i would be incomplete without the ability to love and experience the beauty of his very special soul in my life.  i am beyond grateful for him and for the fortune of being his mom.

i can't believe he is 10. 

i can't believe he is mine. 

i can't believe i could be so very very lucky. 

♥

it isn't that you complete me ...

i've been thinking a lot about what a gift it is when someone allows us to love them.

the joy of love, really, is not that someone loves you back.

because that's not what love is.
loving someone doesn't mean loving them so that you can be loved.
it's loving because you will to love.

when someone allows you to love them, your whole world can change.

your heart can grow exponentially.

by the moment.

when you can love someone,
and love their dreams,
and love their life,
just to love them,
with no expectation or need from them,

it can bring your search to rest.

it can offer an answer to your prayer.

it can take a wounded heart

to whole.

handle with care

ian has always named everything he has an affinity for … stuffed animals, wild animals in the yard, plants, bugs, body parts … he has a special bond with our friend callie, who is a grown up, and who does the same naming thing.  when they share their "oh yeah i have a such-and-such named so-and-so" it always makes us giggle, and makes them either high five or exchange a silent "i get you" look that makes my heart overflow.

today i was thinking about how special this is ... and how important.

thinking of everything as a "someONE" and not a "someTHING" creates a relational perspective in which we treat these "someones" as if they are equal to us … all living beings.  granted, a stuffed animal isn't living, and we know that, but assigning a stuffed animal a name, and treating that animal as if it were a live being, complete with feelings, needs, thoughts, and desires, isn't a wasted energy.  in fact, it is the opposite. it allows us yet another opportunity to express love, concern, compassion, and peace.  kind of like practice.  or also like the more we give, the more we have.  like a muscle, the more we use it, the stronger it becomes.  what could be better than strengthening our love muscle, our compassion muscle.  if it makes us remember to be kinder, if it give us more chances to extend grace and concern, then i say we name everything! 

"Kindness is twice blessed.  It blesses the one who gives it with a sense of his or her own capacity to love, and the person who receives it with a sense of the beneficence of the universe." -Dawna Markova

in my home i have always led my children to help bugs back out to their natural habitat, not to squish them.  my kids have grown up thinking and saying "but what about his family?" when faced with a bug squashing moment.  i never named the bugs, but i wanted them to think before acting, and to consider that just because we are bigger than they are, that doesn't give us the right to determine if they live or die or hurt or become maimed.  just because i don't like them perhaps in the house, that doesn't mean i should take their life into my own hands.  anyway, they were there long before we came along and disrupted their habitat and built a house where they first lived!

in addition to our five pets, ian has  a stuffed pepper named jose, a polar bear named noodles, a bear named puz, a plant named melvin, a wild rabbit that lives in our yard named kevin, one eye named tim, one eye named tom, one nostril named jim, one nostril named joe, one ear named bob, one ear named alfonso.  at one time or another he has also named his shoes, pens, notebooks, blankets, birds outside, cars, crayons, and probably at least half a dozen other things.  i sometimes get the names wrong, but he never does.

some people judge stuffed animal friendships as somewhat unhealthy or relegated to a particular time span of a child's life.  but i would like to point out that such lovingness and concern, from a child for his furry stuffed companion, are more of what this world needs.  why would we want to put a limit or regulation/stipulation on any act of loving?  why limit ourselves in the number of opportunities to love or care … 

“It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love” - John Lennon

i am inspired today, to breathe life and love into all creatures, both animate and inanimate ...

to look at ian in a way i haven't looked at him before, even though i would have thought that i have looked at him in every way possible by now.

i admire his heart.  so big in his tiny little body.  so full in his young little life.  so awesome in terms of awe inspiring or awe invoking.

i would like to put a sign on every person.  a sign on every creature:

no words ...

some say that when a young life passes away, we can learn from it, impermanence. 
some say there is a reason for everything. 
sometimes i can't find a reason. 
sometimes tragedy strikes and hearts are just destroyed. 
and there are no words to say
that can make it better.

between the drops

shine ...

sometimes we are fortunate enough

to be given people

 who not only love us exactly as we are, 

but somehow have a way

of making us even more "us"

a way of bringing out even more

of who we truly are

and if you find yourself 

in this place,

you will recognize the beauty

in every season of your life,

the possibilities 

in every pocket of your soul,

the love

in every corner of your heart ...

give in

say

thank you

and

shine

with all that you are ...

♥

love is my religion

♥

honoring our connections

♥

sometimes there are people who come into our life and we don't know how it was that we ever did not know them.

sometimes there are people who we connect with, even before we really speak.

sometimes there are people who we cannot disconnect from, even after we part.

there are those who touch our heart,

challenge our mind,

feed our soul.

i believe it is important to honor our connections.  no matter how big or small they might seem today.  no matter how much bigger or smaller they might become on any other day.

i believe it is important to see inside them and really treasure who lives in there. 

the gift of their presence might seem effortless,

but it is their greatest truth,

their spirit,

their journey,

and deserves to be handled with care.

so be thankful.

be thankful.

and be

thankful.

i am not my body: i am me

it's always interesting to me, to experience the many different ways that others experience me.

does that make sense?

the way people respond to others is always very telling.  it tells so much about the person doing the responding, and i am fascinated by this from a sociological perspective.

this week i have had the privilege of learning a lot about this exact thing.

by last night i felt very much like i had been beaten down.  partly by people i know, and partly by people i didn't even know existed in this world.  judgment is a very interesting thing.

and you know what?  i felt this even though i stand by the following idea:

i am not my body.  i believe the words of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:  "we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."

anyone who knows me knows that i believe this to the fullest; and that i am often heard saying the words:  "i am not my outsides."

so this week a picture of me, in all my natural born nakedness, was posted on Facebook.  it was certainly not a sexual or pornographic photograph in any way.  it was just a straight forward body shot ... i am proud of it, and saddened by the truth of how some people responded to it.  not saddened for myself, but saddened for what it says about human nature and instinctive response.

here is how some of the thread went:

one comment: omg there is a picture of you naked on fb. thought i should tell you so you can delete it before anyone sees it!
me: why would i want to do that?

another comment: oh no. you must be so embarrassed.
me: why would i be embarrassed? embarrassed of what?

here are my thoughts:
1) i am not my body. i am my insides, i am not my outsides.
2) having said that, i am proud of my body. it has been pregnant multiple times, survived multiple miscarriages, and produced 2 healthy human beings. it kept those 2 human beings alive solely on the milk it created. it has scars, stretch marks, and the effects of aging. and i am proud to have it. it is not perfect and i don't care. i am grateful that in my 40s anyone at all wants to take a picture of it. 
3) nudity does not equal sex. if you think it does, that says a lot about you, not me. in fact, sex does not even require nudity (gasp!) i have seen profile pictures of women and girls who are not old enough to vote, that are more provocative and suggestive than this. my parents and my children were present at this shoot and my dad took pictures of me as well. in all of the modeling i have done i have never shot anything sexual in nature. any photographer i have worked with can attest to that and the fact that i work with integrity and respect.
4) if you are judging me, i am glad this is a picture of my outsides and not your insides.

i haven't always loved my body; i was teased when i was younger, and i have been on the receiving end of many insults regardless of my age, about being too thin, not having meat on my bones, assumptions that i never eat, or whatever anyone thinks is okay to say.  i was told once that nursing was ruining my body.  i have had times, as everyone has, of wishing my body were different.  it has taken me a long time to finally feel good about it and embrace it and be nothing but thankful for the miraculous healthy machine that it is.  whatever it looks like.  it is the only body i have to carry me around in this place, and i am not embarrassed of it.  i am grateful for it and respectful of it.

i was also told this week by more than one person that i should be ashamed.  that i should consider how my children will be affected by such a thing.  that i am inappropriate.  odd.  gross.     (gross? really?  don't we all have bodies?  human bodies?  made basically the same?)  again ... some of these were people i know and some were not; they were merely judging me and stating their opinion.  i know that this says everything about them, and not a thing about me.  if someone says i am inappropriate, that can be what they think, but that doesn't make it true any more than if they said i am a penguin.  their perspective is true for them.  not for me.  i know that the way we see things is according to the way we think and the things we believe and the experiences we have had.  and i also know that just because we think something, that doesn't make it true.  our opinions and beliefs are not necessarily "right" for everyone else.  we are no better for believing what we believe, and no one else is better than we are, for believing what they believe.  it is not our place to insist our beliefs on others, nor is it their place to push theirs on us.

"it's one thing to feel you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path." -Paulo Coelho

just because i am not embarrassed or modest about my outsides, i am not conservative nor shy, that doesn't have to translate into me being ugly on the inside or any of the other things that people threw at me this week.  i know this because i know who i am.  and i know that people will see what they choose to see.

the facebook thread continued and i responded:

i believe there is something for me to learn from every person, even when they are in disagreement with me or judgmental. i respect their right to their own opinion and i am grateful that they feel they can express it to me. but even though i am a peacekeeper, i have learned that i do not need to withhold my own thoughts in order to keep peace. i know that when others have opinions that they believe are "right" ... that doesn't mean i am wrong if i think differently. and likewise, they are not "wrong" if they don't believe as i do. i have learned to live with the judgments of others for whatever it is that they believe. i choose to stand as me, be the soul of where i stand, and believe in myself, you, others, love, and peace. i don't judge those who judge me. i go to sleep at night knowing who i am.

so to anyone judging me in those ways, i only say i am sorry that you struggle with that which is different than yourself.  a lack of openness towards the differences in all of us only leads to a lack of growth and a smaller experience of this wonderful life.  you can wish that i were different ... because perhaps that would make you more comfortable in your own skin, but i am not going to change who i am due to your issues or your particular sensitivities.  i am not going to become what you want me to become.  it is not my responsibility to mold myself into what makes you feel good.  i am not here to satisfy you.  you do not have to like me or like to look at me, but you have every right to your opinion and every right to look or go the other way and get back to your own life.

if you are offended by my body, that's okay with me. you don't have to look at it. isn't that awesome??

peace on my skin

this necklace carries very special meaning and is extremely important to me.  it was made by my lifelong friend, richie pavlak. 

this necklace kind of earmarks the beginning of our friendship.  it was the first of many pieces that richie made for me.  and it was a total surprise, as he would later tell me our friendship was to him. 

when i first met richie, he was getting coffee at starbucks.  i was leaving and had one hand on the door when i saw him through the corner of my eye.  he was trying to get his wheelchair close enough to the counter and get his coffee without any trouble.  i did the worst thing.  i immediately let go of the door and walked over to help him.  the reason this was the worst thing, is because i would soon learn that that is exactly what richie would not have wanted anyone to do.  he "could get his own damn coffee by himself, dammit!"

the next time i saw him, again at starbucks, i noticed he was wearing a ring that was identical to one of mine.  it was silver and turquoise, made on a reservation.  i mentioned it to him (how serendipitous!?) and we soon discovered our mutual love for jewelry.  two weeks later at what was now our new favorite meeting place, he asked me to come speak with him before i left.  when i did, he presented me with this necklace.  i was so moved, i did what i always do at the feet of genuine kindness:  i cried.  i told him i had nothing to pay him with and that i had already spent my money on coffee ... we both laughed but he said, "i don't want any money for it. i made it for you. if you will wear it, that will make me very happy.  that will be worth more than any payment."

another thing i did not know at this point was that making jewelry was part of richie's therapy to regain the use of his hands.  he had been severely injured in a skiing accident and was too strong of a spirit to listen to the doctors when they told him there were things he would never be able to do again.  he went on to make more pieces than I could have ever imagined.  years later we joined him at events where he set up tables of displays, full of his work to sell, and my children were thrilled to help him. 

he joined us for lunch and live music in the park in our historical downtown district. 

we went restaurant hopping, sometimes just the two of us, and sometimes with my children in tow. 

richie lived in a nursing home when we met, and along the course of our friendship he was able to move out on his own into an apartment.  he was sooo very proud of this.  at christmas we made dough ornaments and brought him a christmas tree filed with homemade love.  it was a wonderful experience for us, and we have been forever touched by the way richie allowed us into his life, into his world. 

i have many pieces from him and i treasure them all, but this one is different.  this one was the beginning.  

richie's passing was unexpected and shocking to me ... and this necklace brings him back to me.  back to the beginning.  the kindness in his eyes.  the excitement in his face when he saw this on my neck.  

it is the sound of his voice.

it is the work of his hands. 

it is his spirit.

it is his heart.  

it is peace.  on my skin. 

one with one another

when my face

is in your face

forehead to forehead

pulse to pulse

 unmoving
feeling
knowing

in our own space

we do not see

in our silence

we do not hear

your heart

begins to beat in time

with my heart

i bathe in your breath

and you swallow mine

here

is where my soul

meets your soul

our spirits dance

in the stillness

and we

 are

 one

love refined = grace defined

"find love, refined,

and there too thou shalt find

grace, defined."

-no one said this that i know of, i just made it up and thought if i used the word "thou" it would look like an official quote ...

grace is defined in many different ways.

i have read the definitions and i agree with all of them.

i have also witnessed and felt grace, and i have decided that where grace lives, love lives:  where love is, grace is ...  and where grace is, love is.

when one person gives another grace:  pardon, mercy, courtesy, kindness ... it is an act of love.  lovingness is at the core where that grace is born.

this can be in any context and can occur in any dynamic.  a stranger can give another person grace.  it comes from a loving heart. without love in his or her heart, i don't know that grace would even come forth to be offered.

and when one person loves another, love refined: free from impurities ... one loves with grace.  grace is defined in that safe harbor.  there is no record keeping of wrongs or acts of blame or begrudging.  the loved one knows that he or she is accepted and celebrated completely and without fail.  pardon is given.  with kindness.  with understanding.  no one is expected to be perfect.  those loved are loved for being who they are.  exactly as they are.  because that is pure.  and nothing else is needed.

if love is the umbrella under which two hearts are safe, grace is the pole, connecting the canopy to the hands which hold it.

my hand on your heart

my hand on your heart.

your hand on mine.

my shield all around you

which only love,

kindness,

and help can get through.

breathe peace in our space.

walk freely.

as i walk with you.

we use the power of our words

only in the direction of truth and love.
we believe in others.
we believe in us.

like water,

soft to touch yet strong enough to move the earth,

i move through you

and fill you

like water finds and fills every crevice surrounding every rock

in the river.

our faith in each other

protects us and guides us.

we step surely.

we love purely.

my hand on your heart.

your hand

on mine.

be still my anxious heart

i grew up in a military family.  like many military families, we moved.  we moved a lot ...  almost every single year that i was in school.  one time we didn't, but then we made up for that by moving in the middle of another year. i went to 11 schools in my 11 academic years before college.

i left a lot of people over the years, and sadly that became the normal way of things for me.  i remember feeling that if i ever had children i would want them to be rooted someplace so they wouldn't have to go through that.  i easily cry when i see people graduating, even if i don't know them, or when i see the bonds of people who have grown up together ... even if it's on television and i know it isn't real, LOL ...  probably even if it's a cartoon.  it's just something i never experienced.  it has always been the case that when people ask me where i'm from, i don't know.

i could go on and on about the different ways in which this affected me, but tonight a couple of those ways are standing in front of me and staring at me like ghosts with no expressions on their faces.

one of these is the way that i became very quick and good at making friends and at taking people into my life.  i simply had no time to waste, and i learned not to bother with what anyone looked like or from where anyone came.  all people were equal friend opportunities to me.  and i jumped right in.  if i waited for something to grow and for trust to be built, i would never have had anyone.  i would have moved again before i had a chance to know what friendship was.  i am still this way in my adult life.   everyone i meet is an equal opportunity friend or value or gift to my life.  and then i go by instinct, i go by feeling. and i dive in.  and i open my true self.  i open my home.  i open my heart.  i am transparent and i feel free to start out by being me.

the other of these ways is that i separated from a lot of people.  and it always ripped me apart, to part with anyone.  i learned that even with the best of intentions, and promises that we would always remain as close as we were that day, eventually ... i would lose them.  it was only a matter of time, and it was only life.  it wasn't anyone's fault.  they were not to blame, i was not to blame, the military was not to blame.  i got used to it.  that isn't to say it stopped hurting.  i just somehow adapted.

like everyone else, i have lost people who have passed away, and some who have drifted in and out of my life, but tonight i have that familiar sadness of losing someone to a move ... yet unfamiliar because of different circumstances ... and i am not the one leaving ... but i feel that same fear of loss, and the breaking feeling of something like when you rip a piece of paper and then put it on top of itself and rip it again, and then put those pieces together and rip again, and again, and again.

i do believe that we are all connected, and that through space and time we remain together.

yet my heart hurts and it is through a physical ache in my chest and tears and sticky mascara laden eyelashes that i can barely see to write this, because someone so close to me will soon no longer be in my daily world.  or at least it feels that way.  someone who changed my life.  someone i love, in a true heart to heart, human to human, spirit to spirit, #thispersonissuchagoodpersonicanhardlystandit  kind of way.

do you know the feeling of when someone passes away, the sky looks different the next day ... the air looks different ... things sound different ...you wonder how anyone in their right mind can be going through the McDonald's drive thru and laughing and listening to the radio ...  it's a change like that.

i know that everyone is on their own journey, and each person walks their own path.  i am happy for this person's path, no matter where it goes, i am proud of each step and overjoyed knowing of the adventure that lies ahead.  i know peace is there.  i know it is right.  i know it is true.  and i wouldn't want it not to be.

still i lay myself down tonight with eyes that hurt,  a heart that's heavy, and a soul that sighs.

it's just a move, a relocation, and as my oldest son says, "at least nowadays mom you have email and text and skype and facetime and google hangouts..."

and as my youngest son says, "remember what you said mommy.  at the end of the day, my heart looks like your heart..."

open

it can be quite surprising and amazing

  how the world can lay things at your feet.

  love

 and i don't mean sexual or romantic,

 just lovingness,

 can be right in front of you

 yet you could walk by it

 turn away from it

  or step over it

 if you are not paying attention

 if you are not aware

 if it doesn't look like something familiar to you that you would recognize.

 but sometimes it isn't made up of what you would recognize.

  sometimes it isn't anything familiar at all.

  and sometimes you have no idea from where it has come.

  the thing is

 if you are not open,

 you could miss out on something really great

 no matter how close

 you are

to it.

being present

 and looking with our heart open

 can lead us into places that we never knew we belonged in.

  places that we never knew could feel like home.

  places that we never knew were in need

 of exactly

 who

 we are.

the unconditional condition

is it necessary to label ourselves with a belief system, and in doing so immediately create boundaries that we - and others - are unwilling or unable to cross?  do you know anyone who does this, and consequently, considers anyone outside of this belief system to be "wrong?"  i do.  and i am not saying that i believe they are wrong for believing this way.  i believe they are living in the ways that feel right to them.  and i seek to understand their perspective and to feel from where they feel.  what i AM saying, is that this fascinates me.

recently i found myself in two separate experiences, each mirroring the other, yet each person unaware and on the outside totally and fundamentally opposing the other:

one person who is completely and proudly atheist, absolutely and without any reservation, was explaining to me the scope of parental love.  this person said, "there aren't many things that i know for sure in this world, beyond the shadow of any doubt.  because there can always be questions about anything.  but the one thing i do know, no matter what, with all my heart, is that no matter what happens, i will always love my children.  it doesn't matter what they do, say, feel, or think."   i asked, "even vote?" and believe it or not the answer was:  "even vote."  "... even if they ended up in jail for doing something horrible.  i would want to understand.  i might disagree … and i would still love them.  they are my children, and that is forever, and that love can never ever be broken.  that love always, always comes first."

not long after that, i was discussing God and judgment with a person who is completely and proudly christian.  and this person said, "i believe that God loves us without judgment, and loves us the way i love my children.  my children are going to do things that i do not agree with.  things i might not want them to do, might hope they don't do, might be mad at them for doing.  we are not always going to agree.  i might think, what the hell are they thinking??  but none of those things are going to make me love them any less, or stop loving them.  they are going to do what they think they should do and i have to let them.  i have to trust them.  they are going to mess up; we all do.  but my love for them does not diminish.  i believe that is how god loves us."

these people will probably never meet, nor would they be likely to carry on such a conversation with each other if they ever did meet.  but what is interesting to me, and what touches my heart, is what is so obvious.  these people could not be farther apart, more opposite in their belief systems.  neither one would consider the other to be "right."  and it's not about right.  or wrong.  things are not always right or wrong, sometimes they just are.  and how important is it if one of them believes in God, or the Universe, or a Supreme Being, or Love, etc? …  at the core of each one, all of these are the same … the very inner spirit, the love, is the same.  the root, is love.  the common bond, is love.  the most important thing, the truest connection, is love.  this is the universal language and it was my honor to find myself as like a midpoint between these two energies.  as if i could look to the left and see one; look to the right and see the other ... and know that i am surrounded by love.  i believe we can all connect to others in this simple and natural way.  all it takes is one person at a time.  once you connect with one other person not at face value, but as a human being, at this core level of one heart to another, there is no judgment there.  there is no room for it.  and this becomes more natural and more instinctual.  this is what so many people are missing in their own lives.  this is what so many people are missing about everyone else around them.  they are so busy forgetting to look at the hearts of others; instead … they are looking only … at what they see…

and this is simply, not,  the best that we can do.

THE ROCK

this is the story of how this blog was born.  

someone who i am very close to, and who i feel connected to, recently traveled to another continent. while gone, i asked him to bring me back a piece of that place. not a souvenir, not something made someplace else and imported in for sales to tourists ... but something like a rock. or a spoonful of dirt ... a piece of bark. something native to the land, something "of" this place that he loves to go to, this place that co-mingled with his energy while he was there, where he breathed the air, listened to the sounds, felt the rain and the sun and the breeze, where his feet walked its earth, where he ate the food, where he loved the people ...

i think it might have been against his typical souvenir buying, but he did it.  when he picked it up it was half immersed in water in a lake or pond or something (i can't remember,) and he immediately sent me a message saying he had found the perfect stone to bring to me.  when i finally held it, i treasured it immediately and planned to put it on my nightstand. partly because i am overly symbolic and sentimental. partly for a reminder that no matter what different lands we walk on, we are all connected. we remain connected through distance and time.

that was already treasure enough for me.
then the words came, and this is how.

this person is a very faith based person and he played a song for me which he said was his current favorite. he seemed to have a little trepidation, mentioning that it was a christian song ... i could tell that he wanted me to hear it and know the words, but he didn't want the religious aspect to affect my perception. it wouldn't have of course ... but he didn't know that.  i could also tell that he was really trying to share something that meant a lot to him ... he played the video and asked me to read the lyrics as it played. when it got to the chorus i felt tears in my throat before they even made it out of my eyes.  i can't even say how or why. i heard and saw the words "my heart looks like your heart" and i looked at him and tears were sliding down his cheeks. he turned away and shortly after that, he turned the song off. it was so much ... and i could feel the immense scope of it in the very small space between us. he said that part gets to him in a way that he can't even take it. we both cried and i hugged him. he held me so tight. he said, "not only is that how i feel about reaching my authentic self, that's how i feel when i want you to know that my heart is true towards you, just as yours is true towards me. i need you to know that." 

i cried. again. later that night as i took the rock out of my purse to put on my nightstand, i held it, and that chorus played instantly in my head. i thought of where the rock came from. how it traveled to me.  how we are all connected. how connections exist and remain over time/space/distance. how it was half immersed in the water of that particular land. how the rock, the water, the land all encircled each other and lived peacefully as they should, totally encompassing each other ... like people immersed in others, and how i treasure that immersion like fuel to my fire.

how my heart looks like your heart. 

my cheeks were hot from tears just covering my face.  something as simple as a rock. unnoticed by most. something as simple as a song. one which wouldn't typically resonate with me.  something as simple as a moment shared between the hearts of two people.

this rock, and these words, brought together, have made such an impact on my heart. now i do keep it on my nightstand but i also bring it in my car, and i sometimes put it in my purse or even in my pocket ... i want to keep it with me everywhere i go; i like to look at it, hold it, think about it ... it has become more powerful to me than i ever would have imagined. what it represents to me is so much bigger than its physical dimensions or properties.  holding it is like connecting to this person.  to mother earth. to the planet. to the universe. to the human race. to love and light. 

all of these things pertain to people. i don't know if i have done justice to it, in explaining how symbolic this is, and for all the reasons why and how.  but all of our hearts do look the same. that in itself is its very own reason. it is the perfect antidote to hate and prejudice. a perfect reminder of our connections to each other, regardless of age, time, space, land, culture, religion, etc. 

there is so much symbolism for me in this simple rock ... the significance of this little piece of the planet ... once so far away, unbeknownst to me, and now right here in my hand, forever in my heart, and timelessly in my soul.