where you are not

One day you wake up and there you are.

It doesn't happen overnight
when you get lost
in your own home

Among the floors you know so well
that your feet can walk them 
in the pitch dark
to get that single glass
of quiet water
in the middle
of the long still night
that just won't end

Inside the walls that keep you sheltered
and hold you in
from everything
and everywhere
that you seek

Underneath the sounds
of every bruise
blow
and breaking of your spirit
that have stolen your peace
shifted the soil
and changed the terrain
of your soul

Behind the windows you have looked through
for so long
that you no longer see the outside,
only your reflection
reminding you
of where you are

and where
you are not.

have you ever been empty

i had a conversation with someone today who told me that he felt completely empty.  his face was soaked with tears.  his voice was choked with fatigue.

i felt what he felt, right along with him, i cried right along with him, and i felt the weight of exhaustion. the weight of emptiness.

afterwards as i sat with myself, immobile, i just stared, at nothing and no one.

it washed over me, the last time i felt that sense of emptiness or aloneness.

it was when i felt that a baby inside of me was no longer alive.

i felt that when it happened.  i could feel the difference in my body before even getting to the doctor.  i didn't need a doctor to tell me.  the first time i didn't realize that i knew what had happened.  it was the first time and i was in denial.  i was hoping and praying that i was wrong.  after that i knew.  and each time it was this feeling of emptiness.  

it was like life was inside me.
and then suddenly it wasn't.

i didn't want it to be true.  i was confused and angry and it seemed that other people were having pregnancies easily or having abortions easily.  it didn't seem to matter to anyone else.  there i was with this empty space inside me that no one could see, no one could feel, and apparently no life could live in.

that's how this emptiness felt.
not the presence of anything bad.
but the absence of something good.
the absence of life.

sometimes people come into our lives who have something about them that makes our world better.  they bring us life.  when people say someone is "a breath of fresh air" or "a ray of sunshine" ... they are basically saying that someone breathes life into their own life.  

the loss of someone in your life, due to any circumstance, can create this emptiness.  it is unlike any other, and if you have experienced this, you know what i mean.

if you ever feel this feeling, this hollow feeling, in part of you or what feels like your whole self, like if someone picked you up by your legs and shook you, you would be as light as air, and all they would hear is the sound of your broken pieces rattling around inside, i can assure you that you are not the only one who knows this feeling.

we have not all experienced love in its true form, but we have all experienced pain.

and i think love is the only way out.
the only way to fresh air so that you can breathe.
the only way from darkness into light.
the only way back
to life.