have you ever been empty

i had a conversation with someone today who told me that he felt completely empty.  his face was soaked with tears.  his voice was choked with fatigue.

i felt what he felt, right along with him, i cried right along with him, and i felt the weight of exhaustion. the weight of emptiness.

afterwards as i sat with myself, immobile, i just stared, at nothing and no one.

it washed over me, the last time i felt that sense of emptiness or aloneness.

it was when i felt that a baby inside of me was no longer alive.

i felt that when it happened.  i could feel the difference in my body before even getting to the doctor.  i didn't need a doctor to tell me.  the first time i didn't realize that i knew what had happened.  it was the first time and i was in denial.  i was hoping and praying that i was wrong.  after that i knew.  and each time it was this feeling of emptiness.  

it was like life was inside me.
and then suddenly it wasn't.

i didn't want it to be true.  i was confused and angry and it seemed that other people were having pregnancies easily or having abortions easily.  it didn't seem to matter to anyone else.  there i was with this empty space inside me that no one could see, no one could feel, and apparently no life could live in.

that's how this emptiness felt.
not the presence of anything bad.
but the absence of something good.
the absence of life.

sometimes people come into our lives who have something about them that makes our world better.  they bring us life.  when people say someone is "a breath of fresh air" or "a ray of sunshine" ... they are basically saying that someone breathes life into their own life.  

the loss of someone in your life, due to any circumstance, can create this emptiness.  it is unlike any other, and if you have experienced this, you know what i mean.

if you ever feel this feeling, this hollow feeling, in part of you or what feels like your whole self, like if someone picked you up by your legs and shook you, you would be as light as air, and all they would hear is the sound of your broken pieces rattling around inside, i can assure you that you are not the only one who knows this feeling.

we have not all experienced love in its true form, but we have all experienced pain.

and i think love is the only way out.
the only way to fresh air so that you can breathe.
the only way from darkness into light.
the only way back
to life.

handle with care

ian has always named everything he has an affinity for … stuffed animals, wild animals in the yard, plants, bugs, body parts … he has a special bond with our friend callie, who is a grown up, and who does the same naming thing.  when they share their "oh yeah i have a such-and-such named so-and-so" it always makes us giggle, and makes them either high five or exchange a silent "i get you" look that makes my heart overflow.

today i was thinking about how special this is ... and how important.

thinking of everything as a "someONE" and not a "someTHING" creates a relational perspective in which we treat these "someones" as if they are equal to us … all living beings.  granted, a stuffed animal isn't living, and we know that, but assigning a stuffed animal a name, and treating that animal as if it were a live being, complete with feelings, needs, thoughts, and desires, isn't a wasted energy.  in fact, it is the opposite. it allows us yet another opportunity to express love, concern, compassion, and peace.  kind of like practice.  or also like the more we give, the more we have.  like a muscle, the more we use it, the stronger it becomes.  what could be better than strengthening our love muscle, our compassion muscle.  if it makes us remember to be kinder, if it give us more chances to extend grace and concern, then i say we name everything! 

"Kindness is twice blessed.  It blesses the one who gives it with a sense of his or her own capacity to love, and the person who receives it with a sense of the beneficence of the universe." -Dawna Markova

in my home i have always led my children to help bugs back out to their natural habitat, not to squish them.  my kids have grown up thinking and saying "but what about his family?" when faced with a bug squashing moment.  i never named the bugs, but i wanted them to think before acting, and to consider that just because we are bigger than they are, that doesn't give us the right to determine if they live or die or hurt or become maimed.  just because i don't like them perhaps in the house, that doesn't mean i should take their life into my own hands.  anyway, they were there long before we came along and disrupted their habitat and built a house where they first lived!

in addition to our five pets, ian has  a stuffed pepper named jose, a polar bear named noodles, a bear named puz, a plant named melvin, a wild rabbit that lives in our yard named kevin, one eye named tim, one eye named tom, one nostril named jim, one nostril named joe, one ear named bob, one ear named alfonso.  at one time or another he has also named his shoes, pens, notebooks, blankets, birds outside, cars, crayons, and probably at least half a dozen other things.  i sometimes get the names wrong, but he never does.

some people judge stuffed animal friendships as somewhat unhealthy or relegated to a particular time span of a child's life.  but i would like to point out that such lovingness and concern, from a child for his furry stuffed companion, are more of what this world needs.  why would we want to put a limit or regulation/stipulation on any act of loving?  why limit ourselves in the number of opportunities to love or care … 

“It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love” - John Lennon

i am inspired today, to breathe life and love into all creatures, both animate and inanimate ...

to look at ian in a way i haven't looked at him before, even though i would have thought that i have looked at him in every way possible by now.

i admire his heart.  so big in his tiny little body.  so full in his young little life.  so awesome in terms of awe inspiring or awe invoking.

i would like to put a sign on every person.  a sign on every creature: