sticks and stones

while i do believe that another person's opinion of you does not define you, and just because someone says something to you or about you, that doesn't make it true ...  i also believe that even though sticks and stones may break bones, words can in fact hurt sometimes...

i believe it is only right that we should be mindful of our words, our tone, and the energy that we bring into any space. 

it is our responsibility to recognize who we are, and think about who it is that we want to be.  to acknowledge that the way we affect others not only affects the relationship they have with us, it can also affect them as a person. 

this is true for any dynamic, whether it is a partner, a child, a parent, relative, friend, or stranger. 

our awareness can make the difference. 

a broken spirit takes much longer to heal than a broken bone. 

that's all

six months ago my friend callie left this world. it was unexpected. it was shocking. and it was her choice. 

callie's bracelet was on the table.
when i held it, from her wrist to mine,
it was like feeling the pulse of her life.

six months, in the big scheme of things, when you look at a whole entire lifetime, is not that long. 

when you look at a baby and the growth and development from the moment they're born until they're six months old, six months' time is tremendous. 

when you look at it not day by day or even minute by minute, but breath by difficult breath, it can be an eternity.

it can be a nightmare. 

and unfortunately, it can be a reality.

i spent some time recently with callie's mother. we cried a lot. we laughed a lot. how she laughed, i don't know. we listened to each other. we taught each other things we didn't know about callie. we held each other. 

sometimes it happens that we are gifted with the presence of another person and we don't know why it happens when it does ... we might not even think about it. but afterwards we know that it was necessary. that's all. we can feel that we needed to be sharing life with each other at that moment.  life. strength. love. 

as i sat with callie's mom and felt her love and heartache, there were times when her laugh or her words would sound exactly like callie.  it was amazingly freaky and comforting at the same time.  i stared at her in a way i never have before.  i remembered how we first met and how we never would have imagined we would be in this position now.

after holding each other and breathing the same breaths with our faces touching, she got up to get something to give me.  i had not come for anything and certainly did not expect to leave with anything. she knew this, and she placed a bracelet in my hand.  a bracelet of callie's.  i held it in the palm of my hand, i held it to my face, and couldn't let go of it.  again it was like the pulse of her life.  the pulse of the universe.  i put it on and have not taken it off even for a moment.  when i first had the experience which i wrote about, of sitting next to the man on the airplane, taking pictures of his bracelets representing suicide prevention, not knowing that it was just hours after callie had left us, i had no way to fathom that i would be the one wearing a bracelet of the same heartache ... same yet different ... 6 months later.

there are some things that are never the same.

no one's life is ever the same as another's.

no one's grief is ever the same as another's.

and a mother's life after the loss of her child is never the same as her life before.

it isn't an experience that she ever "gets through." 

it isn't something that ever becomes "normal."

as mothers we often questions ourselves when it comes to our parenting:  should i have done that differently?  did i get that right?  was i wrong about that?  did i handle that in the best way?  was that a mistake i just made?  am i screwing up my child? over and over and over.  

a mother who has lost her child to suicide has her own set of additional questions that no one else has. 

i am grateful for callie's life.  i am grateful for the ways she touched so many lives around her.  for those who know callie, they know what i mean, and they know that i am not sanctifying her.  i am grateful for her mother, without whom callie would not have been the person she was and remains to be, to so many others in this world.  

as i sat with callie's mom i could feel not only her heartache and her struggle, but also callie's strength and tenacity.  i could feel callie.  and regardless of anything else, i was so proud of her mom.  not everyone grows up to have such a positive lasting effect on so many others.  not everyone grows up to be a giver.  not everyone grows up and asks that their mother live near them when they don't have to.  not everyone lives with the fearlessness of callie bradley mooney.  she exercised her right to make her own choices, that's for sure.  and her legacy will live on in the hearts and minds and lives of countless other people.  and that will then trickle down to the other lives that those people touch.  and callie would not have done that and been that, if her mother had not been her mother.

i knew while we shared this time, that there were no words i could say that would make anything better.  we both talked in circles with no logical thought patterns, just whatever came to mind and came out of our mouths.  i knew there was nothing i could do.  and i can't explain why or how, but i also knew i needed to be there ... we needed to be there ... at that very moment, having that very experience.  that's all.

you know how when someone's life is over, you have things you wish you had said, things you wish you had done ... it always happens, whether you knew the end was near or whether it was a total unexpected event.  yeah i have those things too ... 

i guess at this moment, with callie's pulse on my own wrist, i just miss her.  

that's all.

suicide prevention lifeline

survivors of suicide

american foundation for suicide prevention
cards callie would love LOL

november 23 is international survivors of suicide day.  click here to get involved:
international survivors of suicide day 2013

between the drops

to be continued ...

so today while i was driving, i was thinking, and having conversations in my head, you know, much like the way our thought process goes when we're in the shower.  that's not just me, right?

so i was driving after having spent some time with a friend.  not just any friend, but a friend of my heart.  a connection i cannot imagine not having. 

i was wondering why this is.  and i was thinking about whether or not it really is what it seems to be.  like, how is this such an important thing, how is it that this person's presence actually affects me in this unique way?  there was, after all, a time when this connection did not yet exist.

how is it that being around this person feels like a celebration … of who we are ... of who each of us is.  a treasured collection of moments of being who we are, and excelling at it.  and it feels like we are never finished being together, we are always "to be continued …"

i was wondering, is it me?  am i assigning more value to this because of my  extremely tender heart?  am i making this mean more than it is, in my mind?  you know how we all know we have had moments where we question ourselves because we can all overthink things sometimes.  especially when we're driving.  alone.  that's not just me, right?

and so i tried to compare this friendship to others … and i couldn't.  

i tried to explain it to myself … and i couldn't.  

i tried to define it … and i couldn't.

but what i did succeed in doing, was realizing this ultimate truth:  the quality of my life is better with this person in it.

it's really that simple.  it's really that true.  and that was all i needed to know in the end.  

i smiled the rest of the way home ...

be brave. be authentic. be you.

inner beauty. inner gooey. how i believe people are like cinnamon rolls ...

have you ever seen a fantastic looking cinnamon roll, heard it calling your name from the pastry case, watched it wink at you to lure you over, enticing you with every one of your senses, only to find out that after salivating in anticipation, you eat the cinnamon roll and half way through you discover it wasn't at all what it appeared to be?  you're disappointed ... you pick through it to find the goodness you were hoping for ... soon it is demolished on your plate because you never found it to be any better but checked every part just in case so you wouldn't miss the good spot if in fact there was one ...

a cinnamon roll can look absolutely delicious, but by the time you eat through the layers, you can reach the center only to find that it isn't the ultimate in sweet gooey perfection that you had been expecting, instead it might be dry or bland or uninteresting in any number of ways.  and there you find yourself ... you've experienced it ... but you aren't exactly happy with the experience.  you had saved the best for last ...  eating from the outside, going around the circular path, trusting that the best was yet to come.

this is what i think:  this is exactly the way people are.  and this is why i believe we should view people in the same way:  

and we should start from the center.

this is the only way you will know what the person/cinnamon roll is really made of.  this is where you find out if there is a goodness match, or not.  

you could start on the outside, because of how something/someone looks,  and waste all kinds of time, only to find out that the inside there doesn't match in beauty.  then what's the point?  why spend your energy and time basing thoughts and opinions and feelings on the outside, when really it's the inside that matters.  it's the inside that tells the story.

why spend your time and energy on someone solely because they look a certain way?  their insides might not be as pretty to you, which isn't to say that it might not be perfect for someone else ... you could have passed on by and left it, intact, for another person to enjoy ...

                                                  

                                                                                                               

if you enjoy a cinnamon roll straight from the center, just bypass the presentation and cut into it and dive right in, you will know right away if you are going to spend the next few minutes of your time savoring the rest of it.  i bet you.  

if you enjoy a person straight from their center, just bypass their outer shell and get into their energy and dive right in, you will know if you are going to spend the next (any number of moments) with them as a person.  

much like saying you can't judge a book by its cover, except that it's more of a challenge to dive right into the center of a book and know what's going on.  you can, however, dive into the center of a cinnamon roll and know if it tastes good.  you can, however, dive into the center of a human being and know if the energy feels right.

the cinnamon roll, or the person, who maybe doesn't look as you have come to expect, might surprise you and be absolutely amazing.  and you could miss out on that by making your selection based on the outside appearance.  and likewise, the most appetizing cinnamon roll, or person, might have insides that do not match the outer beauty, that do not live up to your expectations, that leave you misled by presentation.

you can never tell, by the outsides.  

start in the middle.

dive into the center.

it's the inside that tells the story...