love is always in season

who was it that said, "the only thing that is constant is change?"  i thought it was heraclitus, but i googled it and too many names came up ...

what a relief it is to know that this is true!  (not the google part.  the other part.)  can you imagine if nothing ever ever changed?  not ever?

changes come with every season.  and beauty comes with every change.

today i picked up a few of autumn's fallen leaves and as i held them i felt the differences in how they felt against my skin, how they moved slightly with the breeze, how they sounded when they brushed up against each other in my hands.  i closed my eyes and breathed in how they smelled …all different than their life during the recent summer months.  i thought about how these changes come with every season:  for the leaves.  for the trees.  for the grass.  the animals.  on and on and on.   the growth.  the strength.  the new beauty.  the adjustments. …the changes.

i thought of how i can choose to look the other way, refuse to accept and embrace the changes, i could even put myself in  a place that perhaps remains the same and does not offer the transformations and possibilities that come along with a change of season.  it might be easier that way, where everything stays somewhat familiar.  it is much harder to go where there can be difficulty and/or pain along the way ... uncertainty or discomfort ... not knowing exactly how things will look, or what will become of what once was.

or i can choose to find the beauty.  see the possibilities. feel the love. and embrace the change.  it's not my place to stop,  limit, or change the  change that is happening.   just like with my children.  it would be impossible, and ridiculous, to reject their growth, their development, the course they are on.  there is no "favorite age" ... there has been, and continues to be, awe and amazement during every single year.  it is my honor to witness and be a part of their journey.  i would never want to muck it up by trying to control it or change who they are in any way.  every new day i marvel at the gift of now.

this doesn't mean there is never sadness.  

but no matter what is going on in this season of my life, there is always something to be grateful for.

in this moment now, there is far more than i can measure.
there is change.
there is beauty.

there is love.

and love,

is always
in season.

be still my anxious heart

i grew up in a military family.  like many military families, we moved.  we moved a lot ...  almost every single year that i was in school.  one time we didn't, but then we made up for that by moving in the middle of another year. i went to 11 schools in my 11 academic years before college.

i left a lot of people over the years, and sadly that became the normal way of things for me.  i remember feeling that if i ever had children i would want them to be rooted someplace so they wouldn't have to go through that.  i easily cry when i see people graduating, even if i don't know them, or when i see the bonds of people who have grown up together ... even if it's on television and i know it isn't real, LOL ...  probably even if it's a cartoon.  it's just something i never experienced.  it has always been the case that when people ask me where i'm from, i don't know.

i could go on and on about the different ways in which this affected me, but tonight a couple of those ways are standing in front of me and staring at me like ghosts with no expressions on their faces.

one of these is the way that i became very quick and good at making friends and at taking people into my life.  i simply had no time to waste, and i learned not to bother with what anyone looked like or from where anyone came.  all people were equal friend opportunities to me.  and i jumped right in.  if i waited for something to grow and for trust to be built, i would never have had anyone.  i would have moved again before i had a chance to know what friendship was.  i am still this way in my adult life.   everyone i meet is an equal opportunity friend or value or gift to my life.  and then i go by instinct, i go by feeling. and i dive in.  and i open my true self.  i open my home.  i open my heart.  i am transparent and i feel free to start out by being me.

the other of these ways is that i separated from a lot of people.  and it always ripped me apart, to part with anyone.  i learned that even with the best of intentions, and promises that we would always remain as close as we were that day, eventually ... i would lose them.  it was only a matter of time, and it was only life.  it wasn't anyone's fault.  they were not to blame, i was not to blame, the military was not to blame.  i got used to it.  that isn't to say it stopped hurting.  i just somehow adapted.

like everyone else, i have lost people who have passed away, and some who have drifted in and out of my life, but tonight i have that familiar sadness of losing someone to a move ... yet unfamiliar because of different circumstances ... and i am not the one leaving ... but i feel that same fear of loss, and the breaking feeling of something like when you rip a piece of paper and then put it on top of itself and rip it again, and then put those pieces together and rip again, and again, and again.

i do believe that we are all connected, and that through space and time we remain together.

yet my heart hurts and it is through a physical ache in my chest and tears and sticky mascara laden eyelashes that i can barely see to write this, because someone so close to me will soon no longer be in my daily world.  or at least it feels that way.  someone who changed my life.  someone i love, in a true heart to heart, human to human, spirit to spirit, #thispersonissuchagoodpersonicanhardlystandit  kind of way.

do you know the feeling of when someone passes away, the sky looks different the next day ... the air looks different ... things sound different ...you wonder how anyone in their right mind can be going through the McDonald's drive thru and laughing and listening to the radio ...  it's a change like that.

i know that everyone is on their own journey, and each person walks their own path.  i am happy for this person's path, no matter where it goes, i am proud of each step and overjoyed knowing of the adventure that lies ahead.  i know peace is there.  i know it is right.  i know it is true.  and i wouldn't want it not to be.

still i lay myself down tonight with eyes that hurt,  a heart that's heavy, and a soul that sighs.

it's just a move, a relocation, and as my oldest son says, "at least nowadays mom you have email and text and skype and facetime and google hangouts..."

and as my youngest son says, "remember what you said mommy.  at the end of the day, my heart looks like your heart..."

inner beauty. inner gooey. how i believe people are like cinnamon rolls ...

have you ever seen a fantastic looking cinnamon roll, heard it calling your name from the pastry case, watched it wink at you to lure you over, enticing you with every one of your senses, only to find out that after salivating in anticipation, you eat the cinnamon roll and half way through you discover it wasn't at all what it appeared to be?  you're disappointed ... you pick through it to find the goodness you were hoping for ... soon it is demolished on your plate because you never found it to be any better but checked every part just in case so you wouldn't miss the good spot if in fact there was one ...

a cinnamon roll can look absolutely delicious, but by the time you eat through the layers, you can reach the center only to find that it isn't the ultimate in sweet gooey perfection that you had been expecting, instead it might be dry or bland or uninteresting in any number of ways.  and there you find yourself ... you've experienced it ... but you aren't exactly happy with the experience.  you had saved the best for last ...  eating from the outside, going around the circular path, trusting that the best was yet to come.

this is what i think:  this is exactly the way people are.  and this is why i believe we should view people in the same way:  

and we should start from the center.

this is the only way you will know what the person/cinnamon roll is really made of.  this is where you find out if there is a goodness match, or not.  

you could start on the outside, because of how something/someone looks,  and waste all kinds of time, only to find out that the inside there doesn't match in beauty.  then what's the point?  why spend your energy and time basing thoughts and opinions and feelings on the outside, when really it's the inside that matters.  it's the inside that tells the story.

why spend your time and energy on someone solely because they look a certain way?  their insides might not be as pretty to you, which isn't to say that it might not be perfect for someone else ... you could have passed on by and left it, intact, for another person to enjoy ...

                                                  

                                                                                                               

if you enjoy a cinnamon roll straight from the center, just bypass the presentation and cut into it and dive right in, you will know right away if you are going to spend the next few minutes of your time savoring the rest of it.  i bet you.  

if you enjoy a person straight from their center, just bypass their outer shell and get into their energy and dive right in, you will know if you are going to spend the next (any number of moments) with them as a person.  

much like saying you can't judge a book by its cover, except that it's more of a challenge to dive right into the center of a book and know what's going on.  you can, however, dive into the center of a cinnamon roll and know if it tastes good.  you can, however, dive into the center of a human being and know if the energy feels right.

the cinnamon roll, or the person, who maybe doesn't look as you have come to expect, might surprise you and be absolutely amazing.  and you could miss out on that by making your selection based on the outside appearance.  and likewise, the most appetizing cinnamon roll, or person, might have insides that do not match the outer beauty, that do not live up to your expectations, that leave you misled by presentation.

you can never tell, by the outsides.  

start in the middle.

dive into the center.

it's the inside that tells the story...

open

it can be quite surprising and amazing

  how the world can lay things at your feet.

  love

 and i don't mean sexual or romantic,

 just lovingness,

 can be right in front of you

 yet you could walk by it

 turn away from it

  or step over it

 if you are not paying attention

 if you are not aware

 if it doesn't look like something familiar to you that you would recognize.

 but sometimes it isn't made up of what you would recognize.

  sometimes it isn't anything familiar at all.

  and sometimes you have no idea from where it has come.

  the thing is

 if you are not open,

 you could miss out on something really great

 no matter how close

 you are

to it.

being present

 and looking with our heart open

 can lead us into places that we never knew we belonged in.

  places that we never knew could feel like home.

  places that we never knew were in need

 of exactly

 who

 we are.

choosing happiness

i will not allow my mistakes to define me.  what i will allow them to do, is teach me.

i will not be imprisoned by any past decision.  what i will be, is free to decide differently once more.

i have a hard enough time carrying in my groceries from the car ... i do not have enough room to juggle errors of my own or judgments of others.  much like the groceries, if goodness and healthy things are brought in, then goodness and healthy things will ... sit in the pantry untouched and uneaten by my children...  LOL

ok, but when we breathe in positivity, we breathe out happiness.

when we choose to carry around heaviness and negativity, we end up with bruised and broken wrists.  we are then unable to carry the lightest things of all:  love.  acceptance.  celebration.  gratitude ...

it is always a choice.  and i am too much of a rebel to let anyone else make that choice for me, dammit.

the unconditional condition

is it necessary to label ourselves with a belief system, and in doing so immediately create boundaries that we - and others - are unwilling or unable to cross?  do you know anyone who does this, and consequently, considers anyone outside of this belief system to be "wrong?"  i do.  and i am not saying that i believe they are wrong for believing this way.  i believe they are living in the ways that feel right to them.  and i seek to understand their perspective and to feel from where they feel.  what i AM saying, is that this fascinates me.

recently i found myself in two separate experiences, each mirroring the other, yet each person unaware and on the outside totally and fundamentally opposing the other:

one person who is completely and proudly atheist, absolutely and without any reservation, was explaining to me the scope of parental love.  this person said, "there aren't many things that i know for sure in this world, beyond the shadow of any doubt.  because there can always be questions about anything.  but the one thing i do know, no matter what, with all my heart, is that no matter what happens, i will always love my children.  it doesn't matter what they do, say, feel, or think."   i asked, "even vote?" and believe it or not the answer was:  "even vote."  "... even if they ended up in jail for doing something horrible.  i would want to understand.  i might disagree … and i would still love them.  they are my children, and that is forever, and that love can never ever be broken.  that love always, always comes first."

not long after that, i was discussing God and judgment with a person who is completely and proudly christian.  and this person said, "i believe that God loves us without judgment, and loves us the way i love my children.  my children are going to do things that i do not agree with.  things i might not want them to do, might hope they don't do, might be mad at them for doing.  we are not always going to agree.  i might think, what the hell are they thinking??  but none of those things are going to make me love them any less, or stop loving them.  they are going to do what they think they should do and i have to let them.  i have to trust them.  they are going to mess up; we all do.  but my love for them does not diminish.  i believe that is how god loves us."

these people will probably never meet, nor would they be likely to carry on such a conversation with each other if they ever did meet.  but what is interesting to me, and what touches my heart, is what is so obvious.  these people could not be farther apart, more opposite in their belief systems.  neither one would consider the other to be "right."  and it's not about right.  or wrong.  things are not always right or wrong, sometimes they just are.  and how important is it if one of them believes in God, or the Universe, or a Supreme Being, or Love, etc? …  at the core of each one, all of these are the same … the very inner spirit, the love, is the same.  the root, is love.  the common bond, is love.  the most important thing, the truest connection, is love.  this is the universal language and it was my honor to find myself as like a midpoint between these two energies.  as if i could look to the left and see one; look to the right and see the other ... and know that i am surrounded by love.  i believe we can all connect to others in this simple and natural way.  all it takes is one person at a time.  once you connect with one other person not at face value, but as a human being, at this core level of one heart to another, there is no judgment there.  there is no room for it.  and this becomes more natural and more instinctual.  this is what so many people are missing in their own lives.  this is what so many people are missing about everyone else around them.  they are so busy forgetting to look at the hearts of others; instead … they are looking only … at what they see…

and this is simply, not,  the best that we can do.

THE ROCK

this is the story of how this blog was born.  

someone who i am very close to, and who i feel connected to, recently traveled to another continent. while gone, i asked him to bring me back a piece of that place. not a souvenir, not something made someplace else and imported in for sales to tourists ... but something like a rock. or a spoonful of dirt ... a piece of bark. something native to the land, something "of" this place that he loves to go to, this place that co-mingled with his energy while he was there, where he breathed the air, listened to the sounds, felt the rain and the sun and the breeze, where his feet walked its earth, where he ate the food, where he loved the people ...

i think it might have been against his typical souvenir buying, but he did it.  when he picked it up it was half immersed in water in a lake or pond or something (i can't remember,) and he immediately sent me a message saying he had found the perfect stone to bring to me.  when i finally held it, i treasured it immediately and planned to put it on my nightstand. partly because i am overly symbolic and sentimental. partly for a reminder that no matter what different lands we walk on, we are all connected. we remain connected through distance and time.

that was already treasure enough for me.
then the words came, and this is how.

this person is a very faith based person and he played a song for me which he said was his current favorite. he seemed to have a little trepidation, mentioning that it was a christian song ... i could tell that he wanted me to hear it and know the words, but he didn't want the religious aspect to affect my perception. it wouldn't have of course ... but he didn't know that.  i could also tell that he was really trying to share something that meant a lot to him ... he played the video and asked me to read the lyrics as it played. when it got to the chorus i felt tears in my throat before they even made it out of my eyes.  i can't even say how or why. i heard and saw the words "my heart looks like your heart" and i looked at him and tears were sliding down his cheeks. he turned away and shortly after that, he turned the song off. it was so much ... and i could feel the immense scope of it in the very small space between us. he said that part gets to him in a way that he can't even take it. we both cried and i hugged him. he held me so tight. he said, "not only is that how i feel about reaching my authentic self, that's how i feel when i want you to know that my heart is true towards you, just as yours is true towards me. i need you to know that." 

i cried. again. later that night as i took the rock out of my purse to put on my nightstand, i held it, and that chorus played instantly in my head. i thought of where the rock came from. how it traveled to me.  how we are all connected. how connections exist and remain over time/space/distance. how it was half immersed in the water of that particular land. how the rock, the water, the land all encircled each other and lived peacefully as they should, totally encompassing each other ... like people immersed in others, and how i treasure that immersion like fuel to my fire.

how my heart looks like your heart. 

my cheeks were hot from tears just covering my face.  something as simple as a rock. unnoticed by most. something as simple as a song. one which wouldn't typically resonate with me.  something as simple as a moment shared between the hearts of two people.

this rock, and these words, brought together, have made such an impact on my heart. now i do keep it on my nightstand but i also bring it in my car, and i sometimes put it in my purse or even in my pocket ... i want to keep it with me everywhere i go; i like to look at it, hold it, think about it ... it has become more powerful to me than i ever would have imagined. what it represents to me is so much bigger than its physical dimensions or properties.  holding it is like connecting to this person.  to mother earth. to the planet. to the universe. to the human race. to love and light. 

all of these things pertain to people. i don't know if i have done justice to it, in explaining how symbolic this is, and for all the reasons why and how.  but all of our hearts do look the same. that in itself is its very own reason. it is the perfect antidote to hate and prejudice. a perfect reminder of our connections to each other, regardless of age, time, space, land, culture, religion, etc. 

there is so much symbolism for me in this simple rock ... the significance of this little piece of the planet ... once so far away, unbeknownst to me, and now right here in my hand, forever in my heart, and timelessly in my soul.